A Change of Plans
by NoHinny
Summary: Who could possibly believe Severus Snape was pretending to be a spy for Dumbledore? The headmaster realizes that in defending his potions master, he forfeited his use of the man as a future spy and allowed him to live his life. But what happens when Snape begins questioning the welfare of one Harry Potter? Well, that might just lead to a change in the ex-spy's plans.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello everyone! Welcome to our new story. This is an example of what can come out of an impromptu sister date. We sat around our local creamery talking and the topic of Severus sin his spy career would've been like. We both agreed he would not have been okay with Petunia taking care of Lily's child and would eventually come to care for Harry. A couple hours later...the beginning of our masterpiece.

A few notes: 1) As usual, there will be NO SLASH. There may not be completely canon pairings, but we will maintain our usual stance here. 2) It will be humor-based. Yes, we will have plenty of jokes and running gags, but we will also have some touchy-feely moments. 3) The Malfoys and Dursleys will both play prominent roles in the story. In fact, Narcissa may even become the HOA president. :)

Overall, we hope you enjoy our tale. It is not nearly complete, but marauderfascination and I are still working on Fixed Points and Fixed Points Revised. We would also like to still work on a next gen fic in conjunction with FP, but we felt this was an important story to tell. Enjoy!

Severus tapped the arm of his chair impatiently. What was taking Dumbledore so long? He had been the one to call this meeting, not Severus. And why did he have to wait in a room filled with portraits of previous headmasters, all whispering behind their hands in quiet judgement of him? He stared down at the headmaster's desk, watching as a silver instrument moved gracefully in the air. The hummingbird twittered over to the equally shiny lily, moving as if to suck it. The flower withered before jumping to life again. And so the toy repeated its cycle.

The potions master jumped slightly when the door opened. Dumbledore swept through the room and sat down, sighing in comfort as he snuggled back into the headrest.

"And thus ends another successful year," said the headmaster, intertwining his fingers.

"Yet remains the question," Severus sat on the edge of the chair, "shall I be included in the next?"

Albus Dumbledore's infamous twinkle faded from his eyes. His mouth dropped.

"That remains to be seen, Professor Snape." The headmaster sat back further, if that were possible, and steepled his fingers. "The original purpose of your coming here was to gain access to me—which in turn would cause you to rise in the ranks of the death eaters and give me access to Tom."

"And I did."

"Yes. It was your spying that led to the rescue of countless witches and wizards. You should be proud."

"But…"

Albus rubbed his eyes. "Severus, no death eater will believe you were faking being our spy this whole time."

"You insisted on the Veritaserum…and the multiple testimony-by-pensieve…"

"I did." The headmaster shifted in his chair. "When you came to me and offered yourself as a spy in exchange for the safety of the Potters, I promised you if you did your job well, I would ensure you did not end up in Azkaban for your previous involvement in the group." He sighed heavily. "And I keep my promises fully."

"And all that was necessary?"

"Severus, please. Would you trust a double agent without some guarantee of the validity of his testimony?"

"No," said Severus, a hand massaging his temples. "But what does this all mean?"

"It means," Albus rose and turned to look out the window, "that when Voldemort returns, I cannot send you back as a spy."

"But headmaster…"

"Albus, please," said the old man, smiling widely. "I believe at this point we can have more than a headmaster-student relationship." His lips dropped. "At least, I hope."

Severus sighed. "Albus, part of our understanding once the dark lord fell was that you would back me so long as I returned to him when he rose…"

"And plans change, Severus." Albus turned and stared at the man. "You are much more valuable as our potions professor than as a spy. We need someone as gifted as you are. Slughorn won't come out of retirement…"

"No surprise there," said the young man under his breath.

"…And there is no one more qualified to teach the subject." Dumbledore crossed his arms. "Our potions scores rose two grades across the board last year."

Severus smiled. "Well, all it takes is a firm hand and a conscientious…" He scowled. "Are you trying to flatter me into keeping the position?"

"Please, Severus." The headmaster smiled once more. "And as head of house of Slytherin, you'd be the perfect example of what being a death eater is truly like. We can sway so many from the dark just by your experiences."

Silence filled the air. The young man sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"I guess."

Albus's sparkle returned. "Good boy." He swept over to his seat and pulled out a new contract.

Severus rolled his eyes, but grabbed the black quill and signed.

"Now, with all the other reneging of our agreements, should I assume my responsibility to Potter Junior is over and done with?"

"Until he comes to Hogwarts, yes." Dumbledore rolled up the scroll. "Until that time, he's safe where he is."

The potions master's brow furrowed. "Which is where, exactly?"

The headmaster waved his hand lazily. "Of no consequence." The man smiled. "Enjoy your summer, Severus. See you in August."

Severus shook his head and walked down to Hogsmeade. He promptly Apparated to his home at Spinners' End. He entered the house, nose scrunching at the derelict furniture and dusty floor. Why did he keep the place? He had no good memories here. He was Lord Prince, and Prince Manor was open to him at any time. Maybe he should cave and sell it to that contractor trying to build that new shopping center.

He sat down on his bed, staring at the walls. Childish drawings still covered them, glued on with a sticking charm graciously administered by his mother. He sneered at one particular painting of multi-colored blobs. How old was he when he did that? He tilted his head. He probably was the same age as the Potter boy would be in July.

And that thought brought him back to his previous question to Dumbledore. Where was the boy? Black was in Azkaban. Lupin couldn't care for the boy with his condition. The Longbottoms were indisposed of indefinitely, and Lady Augusta would struggle with one little boy at her age. Even Albus wouldn't try hefting two on her.

At one point immediately after that fateful Halloween, Severus had overheard Albus mention something about a Privet Drive to Minerva. While that could mean a lot of things, it wasn't like Severus had a lot to do this summer. His lesson plans were written. They'd just need to be revised a bit. And his curiosity would not quench until he knew where the Potter boy was and if he was safe.

Severus apparated away, unsure if he was doing the right thing in stalking a random family in Little Whinging. For all he knew, this was some muggleborn student Albus wanted his deputy to check out for next year. However, as he looked around the cookie-cutter housing community, he shrugged. Worst came to worst, he was just meeting a new student a tad early. He disillusioned himself. No need for someone to question his sudden appearance, or what some freak in a long robe was doing staring at a house.

The potions master walked a ways down the street, not quite sure what he was looking for at the moment. Sure, the boy was his target, but in the heat of a June day, no one would have an almost-two-year-old boy out playing.

Severus stopped in front of one particular house, holding his hands behind his back. This one was different. Something about it…His heart raced and his finger tips tingled. Someone had placed a ward here.

There was nothing overtly notable about the abode. It was the same as both houses next to it: two windows on the top floor, two on the bottom floor, with a door smack-dab in the middle. It was pale yellow in color, with pure white siding and window treatments. Hedges lined both sides, and there was a magnificent garden near the front door. The potions master narrowed his eyes. A woman sat on her knees, pulling weeds from the flower bed.

"Hello, Petunia," a voice called out from behind Severus. The man jumped, turning quickly to see a young woman pushing a stroller waving to whoever was at the garden.

Severus pivoted back just in time to see the woman turn. His jaw dropped.

"Hi Laurie," said Petunia Evans, waving back.

"Your azaleas look lovely," said the woman, Laurie.

"Thank you." Petunia Evans rose, wiping her brow with her arm. "I saw your rosebush. My, is it getting big!"

Laurie shrugged. "Well, you know what they say: feed it and it will grow."

"Yes, they do," said Petunia with a smile. She waved once more. "See you at the next HOA meeting."

Severus froze. Why the hell would Albus talk to Minerva about Petunia Evans's house? Unless…

The man's eyes widened, and he ran to catch up with the woman slipping through her door. He managed to make it right before the lock clicked.

Inside, wailing echoed everywhere. Upstairs, down in the living room, no room was safe from the piercing screams of what Severus had to assume were infants. Well, that answered that question…

Severus shook his head. But who in their right mind would ever give Petunia Evans a child? What would have had to go through Albus Dumbledore's mind to give Lily's precious son to her sister—the vile, magic-hating wench?

But maybe he was wrong. Nothing said Petunia couldn't have had multiple children by this time. The potions master leaned on the wall next to a small cupboard door. After two years of teaching, he'd learned that one should only be allowed to rear a child after they've passed multiple tests. If Petunia had multiple children, she was only further proof of his theory.

He watched the woman descend the stairs carrying a large lump with blond hair. The boy wriggled in her arms and screamed, all the while banging his hands on her shoulder.

"Ice cream. Ice cream." The toddler demanded.

"Of course, sweet'ums. Let mommy get to the kitchen and then she'll get you a bowl of ice cream," said Petunia, rocking the boy as she passed by the invisible man.

He was sorely tempted to stick his foot out and trip the old hag, even if she was carrying a child, just to watch the impending disaster. However, something stayed him.

After the promise of a treat, the boy stopped crying, but the sound hadn't dissipated. He watched, brow furrowed, as Petunia stopped in front of the cupboard door and opened it.

"Shut up, you miserable freak," she yelled, before slamming the door and continuing on to the kitchen.

Severus shook his head. Who the hell kept a living thing in a cupboard under the stairs? The crying turned to whimpers. Surely, Petunia Evans would not keep her nephew in a closet.

The ex-spy scanned the room, ensuring no one would discover him. Once he was sure he was safe, he opened the door. His jaw dropped.

On a dirty cot on the floor lay a young boy. He had no pants, and his shirt was four sizes too big. His nappy was overflowing, and his legs had multiple colored bruises up and down them.

Severus took a deep breath, engorging the cupboard slightly before entering the tiny room.

"Lumos." He let light invade the dark space created by the shut door, allowing him to further examine the boy. The child whimpered, putting one hand in front of his eyes as the other stayed curled around his middle. "Muffliato."

"Who you?" the boy whimpered, blinking rapidly.

The man pursed his lips. "Severus Snape." He held out his hand awkwardly. The boy flinched away. He pulled back. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"No hurt?" The boy looked up, green eyes staring directly into Severus's. Above them was a lightning bolt scar.

The man gasped. "Harry Potter?" He sat down slowly. "That's right. No hurt." He rubbed his lips. "Does someone hurt you?"

Harry nodded.

Severus took a deep breath. "Can I see?" The boy averted his eyes. "I just want a look. I promise, nothing bad."

The boy hesitated another moment before sitting up. He lifted his shirt. Every rib protruded from his side. One half of his abdomen was covered in a hand-shaped bruise. The boy dropped his hem.

The professor sighed. "I really shouldn't leave you." He shook his head, taking his wand out. "But I can't stay." What should he do?

As he healed the boy and cleaned him, he considered his options—none of them good. He could kill the muggles and take Harry away to his house, like Lucius had done for him. That would get the child out of the situation. However, it would most likely end him in Azkaban. He couldn't do nothing. Forever his conscience—in the loving voice of Narcissa Malfoy—would berate him for having left the boy to his fate.

Severus rubbed his eyes. At this point, the young boy was asleep. He cast a temporary protection charm over the tot. If only he could cast a permanent one. That would require his sharing of blood, or a very close proximity…

The man slipped out of the house and made his way toward the street. His eyes scanned the area one more time. Just because he was no longer a spy didn't mean he was going to drop all his self-preservation techniques. With his third swipe, something caught his eye: a for sale sign in the yard next door. Well, he had just been talking about his desire to move…

"Petunia!" The woman jumped, almost dropping her chocolate pie in the process. "Where's my whiskey?"

Petunia closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"In here," she called. She dropped her voice and muttered, "Where it's always been."

Vernon barged into the room, letting the kitchen door slam shut behind him.

"They skipped over me again for that promotion," the man said, grabbing a tumbler from the cupboard.

"I'm sorry, dear." Great, he'd had a bad day. Most assuredly he'd get smashed, make a scene, and the whole neighborhood would see. Petunia stepped in front of the liquor cabinet. "I saw they took down the for sale sign next door. A moving van was parked at the curb all day."

"And?" Vernon asked, trying to get around her and grab a decanter.

"I made them a pie," she said, moving along with him to keep him from succeeding. "We should get to know the people living right next to us. They'll have access to Dudders."

Vernon moaned. "Really, Pet? You want me to go over there and befriend some newbie business man and his blushing wife?"

"It's only neighborly." She walked over to the table where Dudley sat coloring. She picked him up and handed him to his father. "I'll take the pie."

They walked past the hedge and stopped to watch a man bending down to grab a box. He grunted, lifting it to his waist and balancing it on his hip.

"Hello there," Petunia said, walking closer. "We're the neighbors next door, and…" The man turned and her face dropped. "You!"

Vernon's head popped up and swiveled to stare at his wife. "You know this man?"

Petunia's eyes widened. Her husband did not do well with magic. If he found out a wizard had moved next door, surely he would have a tantrum right here in front of the whole neighborhood. And if she said she knew him from when she was young, Lily would be brought up and then…Well, back to her first problem.

"Uhm, I watched him step on my azaleas the day he came by to see the house," said Petunia, eyes narrowing.

Severus's brow rose, but he smiled kindly. "I am so sorry about your azaleas, Miss. I'd be happy to pay for any reparations." Her stomach churned. His voice was sickly sweet.

Vernon chuckled. "Don't worry about it. No harm done." Petunia glared at her husband, but he paid her no heed. "She's far too concerned about those things."

"Are you sure?" Severus asked, an evil glint in his eye as he turned to her.

"Positive." The rotund man readjusted his son. "So, what do you do for a living?"

Severus smiled. "I'm a chemist. I work mostly in pharmaceuticals." He bent down to pick up another box.

Vernon's eyes widened. He set his son down. "Here, let me help you with those." He grabbed a box labeled "pillows" and followed his new neighbor into the house. Petunia watched, her face reddening.

Later that evening, a young woman snuck over to her new neighbor's house. Once at the back door, she pounded with both her palms. She had to wait several minutes before the door opened.

"You know," the man said, brow quirked, "the HOA has a noise ordinance that went into effect three minutes ago."

Petunia glared. "Shut up." She pushed her way into his house.

"I was wrong." Severus smirked. "All those years, I thought you were a blood-sucking vampire. Yet, vampires have to be invited into your home to enter."

"What are you doing here, Snape?"

"I live here."

"That's obvious." Her glare deepened. She crossed her arms. "I meant, why did you buy a house here? You lived hundreds of kilometers away."

The man shrugged. "Needed a change of scenery."

"And I can cast a lighting charm."

"What do you want me to say, Tuney?" Severus asked, leaning against the wall.

"That you'll leave and never come back?"

"Not happening." He shook his head. "Not when Lily's child is only one-hundred paces from here."

Petunia's eyes widened. "So, you're here for the boy." She scrunched her nose, raising her hands in invisible quotation marks. "Your boy-who-lived."

Severus frowned. "I'm here to protect Lily's son."

"I don't know what that kooky wizard's told you, but according to what he told me, I'm protection enough." She waved dismissively. "No need for your fancy wand-waving to save the boy." She pointed to herself, smiling. "I've got all the magic he needs."

"Don't delude yourself," Severus said, walking over to stand right in front of her. "It's Lily's magic living through you." He glared. "And that magic doesn't protect the boy from his own family."

"How dare you?"

"How dare you?" The man pointed his finger in her face. "I've seen what you did to that boy. He's starved. He's bruised. He's living in a freaking cupboard."

"He was dumped on my door step and I was told to raise him," Petunia said, taking a step back. "I'm doing what I think's best in the situation."

"By slowly killing him?"

"What do you want from me?"

"A deal," Severus said, crossing his arms once more. "I won't tell Dumbledore about your mistreatment of the boy, if you allow me to handle all things concerning one Harry Potter."

"Yeah, right." Petunia shook her head. "Like I was born yesterday. Not only is his safety linked to my having control of him, my whole family's safety is hinged on it. I'm not giving over custody of the boy."

"Then, I take full charge of all child-sitting responsibilities, he's allowed to come to my house at any point when I am home, and you don't tell Dumbledore about your newest neighbor."

The woman growled. "Fine," she said after a moment. They shook hands. Petunia dropped hers immediately, choosing instead to survey the numerous boxes stacked around the room. "You're a freak. Why didn't you just magic all your stuff into the house?"

Severus smirked. "Check the boxes."

She opened one up to find it completely empty. "What…?" She whipped around, glaring. "The whole meeting was a set-up."

"I have to admit," the man said, shaking his head, "that it made for the best possible introduction, but that was not the main reason for my 'moving day' act. Had I suddenly appeared without the neighbors seeing my unloading, they would have gotten suspicious."

Petunia shrugged, turning to leave before pausing at the door.

"Tell the truth," she said, crossing her arms. "You're not a chemist at some pharmaceutical company."

"You're right," said Severus, leaning once more on his wall. "I'm a professor at Hogwarts."

She rolled her eyes. "There you go. Couldn't make it in the real world, so you had to go to teaching."

"Actually," he smirked, "I'm a potions master. Youngest one in a century."

She huffed and walked out.

Two days later, Severus answered a knock on the door to find Vernon Dursley on the other side. He pulled two-year-old Harry in front of him.

"I'm so sorry this is short notice," Vernon said, "but Pet said you offered to babysit the other day."

"Of course," Severus quirked a brow. "I love kids."

"Well, my sister is in town and wanted to take us out to dinner…"

"And you don't want to bring your second son?"

"Nephew," Vernon growled, glaring down at the boy. He looked back to his neighbor, smiling. "He doesn't get along with her very well. He throws tantrums when she's around."

"Her son throws tantrums when he's around her?" Severus smirked. "I can see why he lives with you."

Vernon shook his head. "Not my sister's son. The boy is Pet's sister's spawn." His face fell. "Poor bitch was killed in a car smash when her low-life husband drank too much and decided it would be fun to take on a telephone pole."

"Oh, really?" Severus scowled. He clenched his fists at his side. The nerve… "How kind of you to take in your orphaned nephew."

"Yes, well." Vernon blushed, averting his gaze. "Do you mind taking him for the evening?"

"Of course." The potions master moved aside, letting Harry and his uncle in. "Does he have any toys or books with him?"

Vernon shook his head. "No, he's not very big on them."

"And a diaper bag?"

"He's toilet trained."

"Anything I should know?" Severus asked, brow quirked.

"He's already eaten. Don't give him food."

The potions master's eyes narrowed. "Okay."

"Let us know if he is any trouble." They both turned to look at the boy, who stared at Severus, mouth agape. "He can be a handful."

"Alright, then," Severus walked Vernon to the door. "Enjoy your dinner." He turned back to the boy. "Well, Harry…"

"You help," the boy said, green eyes sparkling.

"You remember?"

"You good." The boy's eyes dropped. "Harry bad."

"No, Harry. Your uncle and aunt are bad." Severus went to pat the boy on the shoulder, but he flinched away. He sighed. "Well, you'll need something to keep you entertained. I have a potion simmering that needs nettle added to it in about three minutes." He scanned the room. Where the hell were those books he kept for Draco's visits? Or what about that stupid, little…? "Ah, there it is."

"What that?" Harry asked, pointing to the little bowl Severus held up.

"It's a toy cauldron." Severus set the toy in front of Harry. He also placed a cardboard book next to it. "And this is a book my godson loves to read. Hopefully that can keep you busy while I ensure the potion doesn't explode."

He walked out, spending the next hour stabilizing the boil-cure potion. His back tensed and relaxed in cycles, his potions making barely counteracting the fact he'd left a two-year-old alone in the other room.

Once he'd taken the cauldron off the stove, he rushed back into the living room. A toddler wizard could do unspeakable damage in only a short time. He could just imagine all his books on the floor, a tornado of potions magazines spinning next to the fireplace, and…

He ran in to find Harry sitting in the middle of the floor, the "A is for Asphodel" book opened to a random page, the cauldron filled with random plastic potions ingredients. Green eyes looked up at him, and the boy smiled.

"What that?" he asked, pointing to a picture in the book.

Severus quirked a brow. "You want to know about potions ingredients?"

"Yeah."

The potions master sighed, dropping to the floor to better instruct the boy. "That is bloodroot. It is extremely poisonous and only really good for Bloodroot Potion." The boy smiled, turning the page to the next letter. "That is Cowbane. Again, very poisonous. I don't recommend you put it in your potion here."

"Bloodroot." Harry repeated. He scowled. "Cowbane."

"Yes, Potter, very good." Severus rolled his eyes. "You can repeat everything I say." Harry giggled and turned to the next page. "That is death-cap." The man scowled. "Come to think of it, this book may not be appropriate for a toddler. Who fills a baby book with copious poisons?"

"Coy…Coypi…copious?" Harry looked up at his babysitter, his small brow furrowed.

"It means many, Mr. Potter." Severus turned a few pages. Maybe he could find a lily in here. "Ah, here it is. L is for…" He groaned. "Oh, Merlin. L is for lionfish."

"Fishy?" Harry asked, smiling.

The potions master scowled at the cauldron next to them. "No, no fishy. Welp, Mr. Potter, it seems we have a deadly poison in front of us—what with all the bloodroot, cowbane, death-cap, and lionfish spines we have in here. How about we feed it to your family and see what happens?" He smirked, watching the boy clap his hands. Obviously, he had no clue the older man had just suggested murdering his aunt, uncle, and cousin.

Severus stared down at the little boy so enraptured in the contents of his cauldron. "Your uncle said you ate…" Green eyes focused intently on the man. "Are you still hungry?" Harry nodded slowly. "Alright then, what do two-year-olds eat?"

The potions master rose and walked out of the room. He turned, waiting for the tot to follow him. He sighed, walking back into the living room to find Harry pouting.

"Come on," Snape said, bending over and patting his knees. Green eyes filled with tears. "Oh, what's wrong now?"

"Up."

"Potter," the man rubbed his eyes, "you have two legs. Use them."

The boy sniffed, hands stretching in the air. "Up."

Severus sighed. "Fine." He picked up the boy, settling him on his hip. "But don't tell Draco. Otherwise he'll be expecting free rides."

He entered the kitchen and stopped in front of the fridge.

"Let's see, what do we have?" He opened the door and surveyed its contents. "Hm, spam?" He asked, turning to the boy. The young one tilted his head. "Don't know what that is? Okay then…" He rummaged around with his free hand. "Mushrooms? Probably not for a child. Wine cooler?" He smirked, looking over at the child in his hands. "Definitely not for you."

He closed the fridge and opened the freezer. "Jello pudding pops? Not for dinner…" He furrowed his brow. "Why do I even have these? Ah, how about some hot pockets?"

Harry shrugged.

"Not big on talking, are you, Mr. Potter?"

"Talking bad."

"For the love of…" Severus huffed, setting the boy down on the floor. He kneeled to maintain eye contact. "Harry James Potter-I'm assuming your middle name is James, he was vain enough—everything your aunt and uncle tell you is a lie. Do you know what a lie is?"

"Uhm…"

"It's when you say something that's not true. Do you know what true means?" The boy shook his head. "It's when something really does happen. It's factually correct."

"What that?" Harry asked, frowning.

Severus's eyes narrowed. "Factually correct? Well, it means it is real. It really occurred. I can see it with my own eyes." The man rose and took out the hot pockets. "Lying is bad. Lies are bad."

"Aunt bad?"

"There you go, you got it!" Severus threw the hot pocket in the microwave. "Now, how do I work this thing?" He turned to Harry, who just stared back. "Don't give me that look. I was raised muggle, but I haven't been in the muggle world for six years."

Harry raised his arms. "No, I am cooking right now, can't you see?" The boy's bottom lip protruded once more. "Harry…" He sighed, watching tears fill the boy's eyes. "Come here."

Microwaving a hot pocket with a two-year-old in your arms is not an easy task, but Severus Snape completed it with nary an issue. Once finished, he placed the boy in a seat at the table and placed the hot pocket in front of him. Harry stared at the pastry before looking back at his babysitter.

"What?" Severus asked, crossing his arms. "I thought you said you were hungry."

"Help," Harry said.

"Help you eat it? How do I help you eat it?"

"Too big."

"Oh, right," Severus said, nodding. "Cissy always cuts up Draco's food." He walked over to the cupboard and got out a knife and fork. He chopped the pocket into fifteen easy-to-eat pieces. Harry smiled and grabbed one. "What the…What are you doing?"

"Eat."

"Don't you know how to use utensils?" Severus asked, grabbing a fork and placing it in the boy's hand. "You're not a barbarian."

Harry stared at the fork in his hand, then at the food. He put the fork on the plate and grabbed a piece with his hand. He put the piece on the fork, lifting it in the air. The piece of pocket fell off, and Harry stuck the empty fork in his mouth.

"Do toddlers not know how to use forks?" Severus rubbed his eyes. He jumped up and ran over to his fireplace, grabbing a handful of floo powder and throwing it in. "Malfoy Manor."

"Severus?" Narcissa asked, looking down at the head that had just appeared in her floo.

"Help. Two-year-olds don't know how to use forks."

"Quite obviously." The woman looked over to where her son was playing with a stuffed dragon. Okay, so her son was here. "Severus, what are you doing with a two-year-old?"

"Uhm…" Shoot. Cissy was married to a death eater. Death eaters supposedly hated Harry Potter on principle. "Well…"

"Severus," the woman moaned. "You do realize kidnapping is considered unacceptable in most cultures."

"Actually, I'm fairly sure that's true in all cultures." Severus sighed. "However, I did not kidnap anyone. I'm babysitting."

Narcissa squinted her eyes. "Who would give you their child?"

"You do on a regular basis."

"For ten to fifteen minutes."

Severus shook his head. "Fine, some idiot neighbors of mine."

The woman threw her hands in the air. "You don't have neighbors. In fact, you are the only house left not falling victim to the industrial complex."

"I moved."

"Well, that would have been nice to know."

"Cissa, now's not the time. A two-year-old doesn't know how to use a fork."

"That's not a problem, Severus."

The man glared. "Well, excuse me for not wanting him to be a barbarian."

"Oi ve," Narcissa said, rubbing her temples. She snapped her fingers. "Dobby!"

"Yes, mistress?" the elf asked, popping into view.

"Watch Draco for a few minutes. Severus needs me."

"Of course, mistress."

"I'm on my way, Sev."

"Wait," Severus said, eyes widening. "Narcissa, no…"

The woman appeared in the fireplace. She dusted off her dress.

"Severus, dear, get your head out from between my legs."

Severus sighed, rising. "It's not like you gave me a lot of time to do otherwise."

"Now, where is the poor child you are currently watching?"

"Uhm," Severus glanced over at the kitchen door. "I might have overreacted. I'm sure everything's fine. I don't need your help."

"Obviously you do." Narcissa's eyes surveyed the living room. "Are you living in a muggle development?"

"Perhaps."

"Is the child in the kitchen?"

"Perhaps."

"Is that all you can say?"

Severus stared at the ceiling. "Perhaps."

Narcissa shook her head and walked through the kitchen door. "Dear Merlin!"

"See," Severus said, following her. "A complete barbarian!"

"Severus," Narcissa's eyes widened, "is that Harry Potter?"

"Perhaps."

The lady took several deep breaths. "Explain."

After about half an hour, Narcissa had received the full tale of the great Potter rescue, all the while feeding the poor boy his nutritious meal of pizza wrapped in crust.

"Why wouldn't you go to your precious Dumbledore about this?" Narcissa asked, picking up the boy and placing him on her lap. He cuddled up into her arms, and she kissed his head. "Sweet little thing."

"Surprisingly," Severus muttered before clearing his throat. "The man refused to tell me where the boy was. I highly doubt he'd approve of my looking into it."

"So?" Narcissa asked, shrugging. "I'm sure he'd get over it, especially if he knew the child was in danger."

"When Lily died, she cast a spell of protection around Harry." Severus stared into sparkling green eyes. "As long as he lives with her blood, he is safe from all magical harm."

"And physical harm?" she asked.

"In Dumbledore's eyes, it isn't as dangerous." Severus winced. "However, your being here is counterintuitive to his end, anyway."

"Like we'd ever hurt a child."

"You're telling me Lucius never tortured a muggle child during the raids?"

"Well…" Narcissa glanced down at Harry. "We'd never hurt a magical child."

The door bell rang. Severus popped up and answered.

"Mr. Dursley?"

"Hi there, Severus. Sorry we're late." The man yawned. "Dinner took longer than expected.

"Almost three hours?"

"Yes, well, Marge loves to gab on."

"Well, then," Severus walked over to the kitchen to grab Harry. Vernon followed without invitation. "Here is your nephew."

Narcissa sat in a seat glaring at the newcomer. She squeezed Harry protectively in her arms.

"And who is this?" Vernon asked, smirking.

"No one you should be concerned about."

"Of course," the man winked. "Come on, boy. It's past Dudley's bed time."

"You do realize the boy's name is Harry, correct?" Narcissa asked, rising as the boy toddled over to Severus.

"Dudders is my son."

"I didn't know they let walruses have sons," Narcissa muttered under her breath.

"Nice to meet you, Miss," Vernon said, pulling Harry out the door. "Sev, you into football?"

"Not particularly," the potions master said, leaning against the door jamb.

"You're not one of those teetotalers, are you?'

"On the contrary, I enjoy a good firewhiskey."

"Whiskey?" Vernon's eyes lit up. "Tomorrow, come on over. We've got whiskey and beer galore."

"That's nice to know when they have two small children," Narcissa said, once again under her breath.

"Sounds great," Severus said, waving before shutting the door.

Silence reigned in the room several minutes.

"You do realize I'll have to tell Lucius," Narcissa said, picking imaginary lint from her skirt.

"I don't see why," Severus said, taking a seat next to her.

"He's my husband, Severus. I'm not lying to him."

"Can you ensure he won't harm the boy?"

She crossed her arms over her chest. "I have my ways."

The front door burst open, and a frazzled Petunia rushed into the kitchen.

"It's true!" She panted, hands on knees.

"What's true?" Severus asked.

"You're seeing a prostitute while watching my nephew!"

"Excuse me?" Narcissa stood, face reddening. "How dare you?"

Severus placed a calming hand on Cissa's arm. "And how is my seeing a prostitute any more damaging than what you do to him on a daily basis?"

Narcissa wrenched her arm away from her friend. "I am not a prostitute."

"Well," Severus eyed her hesitantly, "if that dress is anything to go by…"

"You're like family to me!"

"And that's stopped a Black before?" He scrunched his nose. "In fact, you were originally betrothed to your cousin, weren't you?"

Petunia's mouth screwed in distaste. "What is wrong with your world?"

Lady Malfoy pulled herself up to her full height. "You're Lily's sister?"

The other woman stared at the ceiling, her mouth bobbing. "I'm starting to believe that might not be a good question to answer."

"Rightly so."

"And who—might I ask—are you?"

"Narcissa Malfoy."

"Is that supposed to mean something?" Petunia asked, crossing her arms.

"Muggles," Narcissa whined. She turned to Severus. "Lucius and I will return." With that, she stormed out to the fireplace, throwing floo powder in before disappearing.

Petunia's lips pinched. "She seems lovely."

"Petunia?"

"Yes?"

"Get out of my house."

A week later, Severus sat by his fire, reading his newest novel, when his floo flared. The potions master flipped a page in his book, not even looking up.

"So," an aristocratic voice echoed through the room, "you have access to the Potter boy."

"Your wife has known this for almost a week," Severus said, flipping another page. "It seems quite a delay on your part."

"I was called away to a meeting of the lords," Lucius said, sitting down in the seat opposite his friend. "Tell me, why does it take six days of intensive debate to decide the color of the auror's department?"

"What color did you decide on?"

Severus finally looked up when his friend did not answer immediately. The blond's jaw clenched.

"The color they already had."

The potions master snorted. "Seems like an excellent waste of your time."

"Why haven't I seen Lord Prince at any of the recent meetings?"

"Because he's not an idiot." Severus returned to his book. "I do have better use of my time."

"So, what? All the prestige and none of the responsibility?"

"I'm not trying to kiss the ministry's ass to make up for the war."

"No," Lucius's eyes flashed, "you're just betraying your lord."

"He betrayed me."

"Oh, boo hoo, your crush died."

"He betrayed all of us, truly." Severus set down his book. "He was, after all, a half-blood."

Lucius averted his eyes. "Yes, well…"

"Your father was played and you went along with it."

"And so did you."

"To appease you," Severus said, leaning back in his chair. "You were the big brother I never had. I'd have done anything to make you proud."

"Were?" Lucius quirked a brow.

Severus rolled his eyes. "Are."

"And…" Lucius took a deep breath. "…Even though you turned tail on our lord, I am proud of you. Seeking out the greatest wizard of all of magical Britain and training him from a young age? That takes skill."

"He's a child, Lucius. Not some political bargaining chip."

"Still, defying your other master." Lucius smirked. "And you still have the greatest wizard at your fingertips."

"I am my own master now, Lucius."

"Do you think I can meet him? What's he like?"

"He's two." Severus shrugged. "He doesn't even know how to use a fork. We don't know he's the greatest wizard…"

The door bell rang, interrupting them. Severus held up a calming hand, placing a finger to his lips. He walked over, hoping to tell whatever door-to-door salesman that he was not interested. However, the visitor on his doorstep was not interested in selling him anything.

"Severus!" Vernon greeted enthusiastically. "Manchester United is on today. Can you believe it?" He pushed through the man and walked into the living room.

"Considering they have a game every week on the same day?" Severus scowled. "I'm going to have to say yes."

"Yes, well, it is so close to the world cup, I thought you'd want to come over. Pet stocked the liquor cabinet and…" Vernon turned, for the first time noticing they were not alone. "Oh, who is this?"

"Oh, this?" Severus smirked, watching Lucius's eye twitch. "This is my boss at the pharmaceutical company. Lucius," the younger man turned to his friend and mentor, "this is Vernon Dursley. Vernon, this is Lucius Malfoy."

Lucius stood and strutted over to the potions master. He leaned into his friend's ear.

"What is a pharmaceutical company?"

"Just go with it," Severus said, watching as Vernon held out his hand. Lucius fought a sneer as he took it.

"Good to meet you, Lucius," Vernon said, smiling.

"Likewise," Lucius said, placing his hand behind his back and subtly wiping it on his robe.

"I was just about to invite Sev here to watch the football match at my house. Are you a sports man?"

Lucius shrugged. "I enjoy a good match. Anything to get out of those stuffy meetings."

"Marvelous! Come on, we don't want to miss the start." Vernon herded the other two toward his house. He walked over to the door, turning the knob. "Oops."

Meanwhile, Severus had turned to Lucius. "A pharmaceutical company is a very expensive company that sells muggle potions."

"Ooh," Lucius tilted his head, "can I own it?"

"Since it's imaginary? Yes."

"And I'm to be your boss?"

"Yes."

"Uhm," Vernon said, turning to the two men. "There's a problem."

"What is that?" Severus asked, brow furrowed.

"I think I locked myself out."

"What?"

"You see," Vernon's eyes twitched, looking at the blond before returning his attention to Snape, "the boys are taking a nap, and Pet went out grocery shopping. I locked the door to keep them safe while I came over, but I forgot the key."

Lucius flicked his arm, his wand falling into his hand. Severus grabbed it.

"No," he muttered under his breath. "I have a spare key."

The blond turned to the potions master, following him as the man ran to get the key. "You've been here a week. How the hell did you get a spare key?"

"I offered to babysit their nephew. I'm surprised they didn't give me a medal."

"The Potter boy can't be that bad."

"He's not," Severus said, looking through his cabinet for the key. "He's a darling. They just hate him."

"Why?"

"The Dursleys are like the Malfoys of the muggle world. They hate magic as much as you hate muggles."

Lucius scrunched his nose. "How can you hate magic?"

"Don't ask me," Severus rolled his eyes, "it's not like I hate it." He showed his friend the key. "Maybe you can ask Vernon during the match."

They flooded the living room, Severus switching on the telly while Vernon grabbed some snacks, decanters, beer, and whiskey. Lucius stared, eyes wide and mouth agape at the muggle abode.

"My, wouldn't Arthur Weasley be jealous?" the blond said, rubbing his hands together.

Severus rolled his eyes as he adjusted the channel. "What is the issue between the two of you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Lucius squinted. "What is that contraption?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" The potions master smirked, not having to look behind him to know his friend's face was turning red.

"You alright there, Luc?" Vernon asked, setting everything down. Both men jumped, not having heard the portly man enter.

"Of course, just a bit warm," the blond said, tugging at his collar.

"That's what happens when you wear an overcoat in the summer."

"An overcoat?"

Severus covered his mouth, lips trembling behind his hand. Lucius versus muggle would make for a great telly program. He'd probably be able to finance it along with Cissy. They'd make millions.

"Yeah, that drapery your wearing." Vernon motioned for them to take a seat. "Throw it off! It's a scorcher out there. Why'd you ever feel the need to wear it?"

"Why, I never," Lucius sputtered. "A drapery?"

"What he means to say," Severus pushed Lucius into the couch, "is that he just arrived via plane from Murmansk. He was in the middle of a business deal. He came right from the airport for a debrief."

Vernon grunted. "Doing business with them soviet commies?" He furrowed his brow. "How'd you even get in?"

"Our pharma…Uhm." Lucius glanced at Severus, who mouthed the taxing word. "Pharmaceutical company has a wide-reaching audience. We don't care where we do our business, and those…" Again, he looked to his half-blood friend.

"While relations are improving between the Soviets and the Colonies—to a degree, anyway—the Soviet Union still avoids American goods. That includes medicine." Severus shrugged. "Why deny a starving child the prescription that could save their life solely because they live in a communist part of the world?"

Vernon shrugged, not feeling the need to answer. The match began, and the liquor flowed. Lucius sat on the edge of his seat, entranced by the television in front of him.

"Now, you're telling me this is happening right now?" Lucius said, pointing at the screen. "This is occurring in London? And we can see it here?"

"Never seen a telly before?" Vernon asked, eyes squinting. "How have you never seen a telly before?"

"His family was strict Presbyterian," Severus said, leaning in front of Lucius to get a better view of Dursley. "He'd never heard of telly until recently, when his father passed away. I've been telling him to get one, but…"

"You have not!" Lucius whipped around, nearly hitting his friend in the shoulder. Severus quirked a brow. It was effortless for him to lie. Why was it difficult for his friend to do the same?

"You have been inebriated every time, but I have," Severus said through gritted teeth. The blond nodded slowly.

"Oh, sure."

Their host took another swig of beer, twirling the empty bottle around.

"Bugger it all!" He threw the container down. "Out of beer here. Boy!"

Lucius's eyes widened as little Harry toddled out, bottom lip protruding slightly.

"Yes Uncle?"

"Beer!"

The boy nodded and ran out of the room. The blond looked at his friend, who only nodded. Lucius's brow rose. Well, this was unexpected to say the least.

The tot returned with a cold bottle of beer. He handed the bottle to his uncle, who grunted. On the tv, Manchester went in for the goal. Vernon jumped up, smacking little Harry in the face. The boy winced but did not cry. He ran off into the hallway.

Both wizards hopped up from the couch.

"Bathroom?" Lucius asked, glancing behind him.

"Out in the hall to the left," Vernon said, waving his hand lazily.

"I can show you," Severus said, leading Lucius away from the unobservant muggle.

"Did he just use Harry Potter—the-boy-who-lived—as a house-elf?" Lucius sputtered once they were out of hearing range.

"He does that quite regularly," Severus said, crossing his arms. "However, you can't kill him. You just got back into the ministry's good graces."

"Yes, well, I don't believe for a second killing those muggles would cause me to fall out of it."

"But you'd be opposing Dumbledore."

Lucius quirked a brow. "And that's supposed to bother me?"

"Dumbledore has quite a reach in the ministry."

"Show them this, and they will throw him out on his ass."

"Lucius, be reasonable." Severus rubbed his eyes. "I only have about a month left before I need to go back to Hogwarts. I need someone who knows what's going on to be able to check on him."

"You think I'd leave the boy without supervision?" Lucius asked, mouth agape. "Why, I never-!"

"Lucius, please," Severus placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, "promise me you'll watch Harry Potter when I'm not here."

"Consider it done."

"Without pushing your own agenda on the lad."

"Oh, Sev, you're no fun."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Just in case any of you might possibly think we're trying to claim this as our own, it's not. All characters and world-building belong to JK Rowling and the Harry Potter Series.

Severus threw his teaching robes over the chair in his living area. It was a successful end to another teaching day. No explosion, no egregious injuries, and no interhouse squabbles. If only every day could be like this.

He turned to his kitchen, watching as the teapot began to steam. A nice cuppa and a good book sounded mighty fine right now. He could afford to leave off the grading for one day. After all, he had until after Christmas break to finish them.

He dropped into his seat with a sigh as he set down his mug. What should he read tonight? There were a few potions magazines he'd been meaning to catch up on, one or two classics strewn about, and he had meant to get to Red Dragon, that supposed best-seller of the year.

"Severus," a voice called, echoing through the chambers. He scanned the room. Who was here? Why couldn't he see them? "Severus, in the fire."

The potions master glanced down to see Lucius Malfoy's head poking out of his floo. The man's face contorted into a glare as the young professor smirked.

"Enjoying yourself down there, Lucy?"

"You know very well I don't like to make floo calls."

The dark man quirked a brow. "Yet, here you are."

"Yes, well," Lucius sniffed, "it's not some social visit, I assure you."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Come on over. No need to stay in such an undignified position for whatever must be said."

Lucius appeared in the fireplace, dusting off his robes as he did so.

"Maybe Vernon's got something there about those new-fangled flying machines," the blond grumbled as he took a seat.

"Well?" Severus drawled, brow quirked. Lucius cocked his head. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your presence?"

"Cissy took the boys out today."

"The boys?" Severus crossed his arms. "As in plural?"

"Well, of course Draco. However, she has found it difficult to invite Harry to things without including the Dudley imp."

Severus nodded. In those few weeks he'd lived in his new home, he'd struggled to find times to devote specifically to the Potter boy without the added burden of caring for the blond ape.

"And you are concerned why?" Severus shrugged. "The Dursley boy can be difficult—and he is most assuredly spoiled—but that is not reason to floo over to Hogwarts."

"Do you have any idea what they plan to do for Christmas, Sev?"

"Acknowledging the fact that it is a holiday devoted to family, I'm going to assume they want to go to some remote island and escape all social interaction."

"They plan on seeing that Marge woman."

Severus's lips trembled, fighting the laugh that played at the back of his throat. That vile woman had spent the last week of summer at the Dursley household, and Lucius had the displeasure of running into her.

"And?" Severus asked, hiding a chuckle in a cough.

"That woman makes it near impossible to turn over a new leaf when it concerns my views on muggles." Lucius shook his head. "I realize not all muggles should die a slow, painful death, but she definitely should."

"I still don't see your point, Luc."

"She came by for the weekend after you left."

Severus's eyes narrowed. "Can you get to the point, brother mine?"

"She obtained for herself a pup."

"Adorable. Unless Harry suddenly developed an allergy to pet dander, I'm sure he'll be fine."

"A rottweiler pup?"

"And that's supposed to make a difference?"

Lucius crossed his arms. "That thing went straight for Harry and bit him."

"Dogs do tend to be like their owners."

"She gave him a treat as a reward."

"What do you want me to do, Luc?" Severus shrugged. "I'm the junior professor here. I have to stay with the students so those with seniority can enjoy their holiday."

"Do you have Polyjuice?"

"Yes?"

"Give me a lock of your hair and I will stand in at strategic times so everyone thinks you're here."

"And leave the students to their own devices the rest of the time?" Severus rubbed his eyes. "Wouldn't it be easier for you to take care of the boy for a week?"

"He's your godson."

"No, he's not."

"He's as good as," Lucius said, scowling. "And he asks about you all the time. He wants you back."

Severus took a deep breath. "Fine." He rubbed his neck. "But we are going to need a lot of Polyjuice."

The next day, Severus dropped his bags in his home at Privet Drive. Frost escaped his lips as he breathed. Didn't Lucius have the decency to start up the heat for him? He set about placing warming charms around the living area before moving upstairs and turning on the heater. No reason to waste all his energy when muggles had appropriate methods all their own.

Now that his home had begun heating itself, he could devote his time to checking in on Harry. He crossed the yard and banged on the door.

"Tuney, Tuney, you in there?"

The door creaked open to reveal a pinch-faced Petunia in hair curlers and a robe.

"Do you have any idea what time it is, Snape?" Petunia asked, her voice trembling.

"It's late enough for most people to be awake," Severus said, leaning against the weather vane.

"It is seven in the morning. I was up all night with a colicky Dudley." She sighed. "My poor Duddykins is sick."

"What a travesty," Severus said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. He crossed his arms, brow quirked. "Is Harry alright?"

She shrugged. "Don't know. Haven't seen him in three days."

"What?" Severus asked, standing straight. He rushed into the house. "How the hell do you not see a toddler in three days?"

"You put them in time out." Petunia glared. "He ruined our supper last week."

"What did he do? Throw food across the table?" He dropped his voice. "I mean, it's hardly his fault if he can't use a fork."

"No, he put glass in it."

Severus's mouth dropped. "You had him cooking?"

"Of course not, Snape." She scowled. "Though, that's not a terrible idea. Another good use for him."

"He's two, Petunia. He shouldn't be near a stove."

"Well, he wasn't supposed to be."

"What did he do?"

Petunia crossed her arms. "He was getting out the plates to set the table and he dropped one, the clumsy oaf."

"Do I have to repeat myself?" Severus's eyes narrowed. "He's two."

"The plate shattered, glass everywhere. It ended up in the food. I had to order take out."

"Okay, let me get this straight." Severus rubbed his eyes. "You had a two-year-old, who can't even hold a fork or lift a pound, setting the table for dinner."

"He needs to pull his weight around here."

"And to punish him for failing a task he is physically incapable of doing, you gave him a time-out for three days?"

Petunia nodded. "He deserved it."

The wizard took several deep breaths. "Where is he?"

"Cupboard…"

"…Under the stairs." Severus moaned. "I know, I know."

He ran over and opened the door to the cupboard and recoiled in shock. Harry laid on his cot, covered in vomit and coughing up half a lung. He walked over and placed a hand gently on the boy's forehead, which was radiating enough heat to warm up his home. Severus took several more deep breaths. He turned back to his nemesis.

"You left a two-year-old boy in a cold cupboard, without food, without water, in a plague-infested home?"

"You seem very impressed that he's two-years-old," Petunia said, scowling.

"He's near death!" The man scooped up the boy after casting a Tergeo on him. He ran across the yard to his house, slamming the door with his foot.

"Sevvie?" Harry called out weakly, holding up an arm to grab onto the man's robes.

"Hello, Harry," the potions master said calmly, readjusting the boy in his arms. "How are you feeling?"

Harry whimpered, but shrugged. "Good?"

Severus set the boy down in the tub and rubbed his forehead. "There is no right or wrong answer here, Harry. Just the truth should suffice." The boy stared back at him, brow furrowed. "Tell me the truth. Remember what that means? We went over it this summer."

"Not lie," Harry said, before a coughing episode left him without breath to respond further.

"Right. Not lie." Severus crossed his arms. "Now, is it a lie that you feel good?" The boy nodded slowly. "Then, tell me how you really feel."

Harry recoiled, casting his eyes down to the ground. "Hot."

"Okay."

"Hurt."

"I can handle that," Severus said, turning to his medicine cabinet and scanning his supply of potions. "What hurts?"

"Here," Harry said, pointing to his chest.

"What else?"

"Nose." The young boy pointed to his nose, which currently had snot running down it.

"Obviously," Severus mumbled to himself. "Does your stomach feel ill?"

"Wha?"

The dark man furrowed his brow. What did Cissy usually say to Draco after eating too much? "Does your tummy hurt?"

The boy nodded. "And here." He pointed to his neck.

"Your throat too, eh?"

"Uh-hu."

"Oi," Severus said, grabbing several vials. "You did have to get the flu when I was supposed to be gone, didn't you?" Harry's lip trembled and tears streaked his cheeks. "I'm not mad at you, Potter. I'm mad at the fates, Petunia Dursley, and Albus Dumbledore. Not necessarily in that order."

"Aunt Tunia?"

"Yes, your aunt Petunia." The potions master walked over and began rubbing some vapor rub on the boy's chest. "The vile woman doesn't know how to care for a house plant, let alone a two-year-old. Dumbledore's insane to believe for one moment that you are properly cared for…" The man continued mumbling to himself as he measured out the proper amount of potions, taking care to ensure no interactions that could be harmful to an underweight toddler.

He picked up the boy and walked over to the make-shift nursery he'd created back in July, when Tuney insisted on taking Dudley to the beach and refused to bring Harry with. That had been a fun adventure. At least Severus now had boxes of Draco's old hand-me-downs to properly dress the Potter scion. He put Harry in a dragon onesie and gently carried him over to the rocking chair.

"I can't believe I've been reduced to nanny," Severus grumbled, trying to adjust the boy into a position similar to Cissy's when she'd rock Draco to sleep. "However, you need rest, and I don't see you falling asleep on your own." He scowled. "And don't give any cheek for that, Mr. Potter. I'll remind you of the last time you stayed overnight here and I ended up with three kittens I had to get rid of. I should never have left that book on baby animals in your crib."

"Kitty," Harry said, smiling up at Severus.

"Yes, kitty. Kitty here, kitty there, kitty in my underwear drawer. It was hilarious."

"Want kitty."

"No more kitties," Severus groaned, rubbing his head.

"Puppies?"

"No, they are against school code. I could at least give away kitties to my first-years. Minerva would have my head if I started handing out Pomeranians."

"Sleepy," Harry said, snuggling into Snape's arms.

"Yes, Potter, go to sleep." The boy's eyelids fluttered, and Severus walked over to the crib. The boy fussed momentarily before finally settling in for a nap.

He went downstairs to do some light dusting. He might as well be productive while the boy slept, and with the house lying dormant for three months he was not about to brew some potions until he knew for sure there was no dust lying around. He'd just reached the mantel and picked up the portraits lying around when the floo flared.

"Severus," Cissy called, panicking.

"Yes, Cissy?" Severus asked, brow quirked.

"I need you immediately. You and your potions, now."

"What seems to be the matter?"

"My dragon's sick."

Severus smirked. "Then take him to a vet."

"Draco, you idiot."

"This is what you get for naming your child after a reptile."

"Are we going to sit here and argue about onomatology or are you going to come over here and fix my baby?"

The dark man sighed. "As much as I'd love to come and visit the great Malfoy mansion, I cannot leave my abode currently."

"And why not?"

"Sick two-year-old seems to be catchy. I apparently have one, too."

Narcissa gasped. "Harry's sick, as well?"

"And Dudley. It's the trifecta."

"They should be quarantined."

"From what?" Severus shook his head. "It's the flu, Cissa, not the measles or dragon pox. It's quite natural for children their age to get."

"Severus! They aren't old enough to properly fight off the flu…"

"Just bring Draco over and we'll have a grand illness promenade."

The floo flared and Narcissa walked in carrying a monstrous bundle of blankets.

Severus quirked a brow. "I told you to bring Draco, not your laundry."

"I did," she said, moving a corner of the blanket to reveal a cranky toddler. "I can't seem to keep him warm."

"By jove, dear woman, are you trying to smother your son?" Severus pulled the boy out of the small fort his mother covered him in. "Don't you know it's bad to overheat someone with a fever?"

"I didn't know what to do, okay?" She placed her hands on her hips. "He said he was cold."

"If he said he wanted ice cream and candy, would you have given those to him, too?"

"In moderation? Of course."

Severus shook his head. "Repeat after me: sweets are bad for those trying to get better."

"Shut up and heal my child."

"What are you expecting from me? Lay hands on the boy and say a prayer? I'm not muggle Jesus, you know. I don't do miracles."

"Give him potions or I'll slap you."

"Just give her what she wants, Sev," Lucius said, popping in with an anti-anxiety pill. "She's a Black. They don't do well with the word 'no'." He turned to his wife. "Sweetheart, take your Xanax."

"What are you doing with a muggle medicine?" Severus asked, setting Draco next to Harry in the crib before measuring out potions.

"I supposedly run a muggle pharmaceutical company. I decided to check one out. They are dead useful."

"Lucius, you didn't…"

"If Dursley ever asks, you work at AstraZeneca medical facility."

Severus dropped the now empty potions decanter. "You bought a pharmaceutical company?"

"Yes," Lucius said, smiling. "And I must say, it is doing quite well. In September, it barely made it into the top one-hundred companies. Now, it is in the top ten."

"Good for you, Lucius. Plan on giving a report to the council of lords next month?"

"Not sure how they'd feel about me owning a muggle company, but I've considered it…"

"Considering you're our resident spy now that I've been outed, I do not advise telling them you've gone soft," Severus said, covering the two boys with a blanket before ushering the adults to the living room.

"I haven't gone soft." Lucius huffed. "I've just notice how useful they are."

Severus shook his head. "Where was this Lucius four years ago when I said, 'Hey Luce, how about we don't follow your father into the death eaters?'"

"He was busy trying to impress the Blacks enough to marry their daughter."

"Luce, I hate to break it to you, it was you or Sirius Black, and even the Blacks recognized they needed some new blood in the gene pool."

"Enough talking about my disturbingly similar family tree," Narcissa said, dropping into a seat next to the fire. "What are we going to do about Draco and Harry?"

"There's nothing to do," Severus said, grabbing up a potions journal. "We just sit here and wait it out."

"Unacceptable."

"What are you going to do? Avada Kedavra the virus away?"

Narcissa's eyes lit up. "Is that possible?"

"Not without killing your son."

Lucius gazed at the nearest bookcase, scanning the titles. "Do you have something interesting to take to this month's lord's meeting?"

"By Merlin, they're having another?" Severus asked, dropping his magazine.

"They are monthly, Severus."

"I thought they named them that because they take a month to complete."

"Now you're overexaggerating."

Severus shook his head. "What do you even have to talk about every month?"

"Come by some time and you'll see."

"No, no way. That's how they get you."

"Severus, you claimed your title as lord Prince. You do eventually have to attend these meetings, as well."

"So far, I've done a fair job avoiding them," Severus said, picking up his journal once more. "What's their point, anyway?"

"It's the equivalent of the house of lords in Parliament."

"You fought for days on the colors for the aurors department."

Lucius moaned. "Oh, Merlin, I forgot that was on the docket again."

"But…" Severus's eyes narrowed. "You just painted it."

Narcissa rolled her eyes. "It's mostly a social gathering to keep the men from driving their wives insane."

"Sounds like the HOA meetings."

"What's an HOA?"

Severus waved her off. "Just some stuffy housewives sitting around making up rules for the neighborhood to follow."

"Sounds like fun. Can I come to the next one?"

"You don't own a home here."

"That could change."

Lucius's eyes sparkled. "I could buy the whole block."

"Please don't. I don't want to answer to you," Severus said, eyes rolling.

"It could keep the Dursleys in line."

"Technically, they are in line. Unless you plan on doing daily random checks of cupboards, you'll never catch them."

"Could we do that?"

The potions master shook his head. "Not without several human rights' violations."

"And that's a problem?" Lucius asked, scowling.

"Yes."

Within a few days, Draco and Harry were back to being bouncing, bubbly toddlers once more. With the Dursleys out of town, Severus watched Harry for the remainder of the Christmas break.

The potions master sighed as he watched the Malfoy house elf bring in a large Christmas tree. "Do they seriously expect me to participate in this celebration?"

The house elf did not answer, but rather snapped its fingers and made a bundle of presents appear. Harry giggled, pouring imaginary water into his toy cauldron.

"Tree."

"Yes, Harry, tree," Severus said, sitting down next to the boy. "And those big boxes are presents foisted on us by the Malfoys."

"Presents."

"Yes." The dark man studied the boy. "Tomorrow, you'll get to open your presents."

"Harry presents?" the boy asked, brow furrowed.

"Yes, Harry gets presents. Presents from Lucius, presents from Narcissa, presents from Draco, presents from me…"

"Sevvie present?"

Severus quirked a brow. "Are you asking me if I'm getting you presents, or are you asking me if I'm getting presents?"

"Sevvie present?"

"That doesn't answer my question." He shook his head. "I'll answer both. I'm giving you a present and the Malfoys usually insist on getting me a few presents, too."

The boy smiled and crawled over to the potions master. He held up a plastic apple from the container of old toys he'd found in the Dursleys' attic.

"That's an apple. It was a toy your mummy used to play with."

"Mummy?"

"Yes," Severus said, his throat tightening. "Your mummy used to play with that toy. She liked to play store with it."

Harry's eyes sparkled. He offered the trinket to the potions master. "Sevvie present."

"What?" the man asked, brow furrowed.

"Harry give Sevvie present."

Severus choked. He cleared his throat several times to loosen it enough to speak. "You want to give me a present?" The boy nodded. "And you want to give me your mummy's apple?"

"Yes."

Severus smiled slightly. He took the apple and placed it on the mantle. "Thank you, Harry. I'll take very good care of it."

The boy went back to playing, not paying any attention to the man now staring at him. Somehow, the little one currently playing with a plastic cauldron and some lint didn't realize that he'd given the man everything he never knew he needed. Hopefully, Severus could find a way to do the same for Harry.


	3. Chapter 3

There was nothing more humiliating than carrying a child in a backpack. Severus was sure of this. However, as Dumbledore insisted he get in his orders ASAP and Petunia thought it wise to take her portly son and husband to a five-day chocolate and wine festival in Cambridge, there was no other choice. The only saving grace was his reputable glare that caused all previous students to run in fear. Apparently, it worked well on their parents, too.

Severus let his shoulders sag with relief. Just one more stop, and then he was done with the egregiously stressful errand of dealing with people while keeping a toddler occupied. He walked toward the apothecary with more vigor than he'd had before.

"Mr. Potter, I do impress on you the dire consequences if you do not cease playing with my hair," the man said, looking back at the young boy.

"Huh?" the child asked, batting the man's nose.

"Stop."

They entered the shop and Severus grabbed a basket. He glanced around, quickly inventorying the stock to pick a starting point. He paused when his eyes landed on the check-out counter. They widened.

Remus Lupin stood at the register with his head in his hands. It was one week until the full moon, and the overpowering scents left his head with too much to process, leading to a very powerful migraine. He heard the bell ring, and he blinked several times before actually moving to glance in the direction of the door. He closed his eyes once more. Severus stood in the doorway with a toddler strapped to his back. Great, he must be hallucinating.

"Lupin?" Severus asked, walking toward the counter.

"Do hallucinations normally talk?" Remus asked, rubbing his temples.

"Do you have zero customer service capabilities?"

"What can I do for you, Severus?"

"I need someone with a brain and at least slight understanding of potions…"

"I have more than a slight understanding of potions. I was one of three to receive an O on my potions N.E.W.T."

"And as another who can claim that, let me say it is not quite the honor you make it out to be."

Remus sighed. "What do you need, Severus? Is your little one colicky?"

"My little one?" Severus asked, mouth dropping.

"The child in your papoose."

"He is not my child."

"You stole him?"

Severus quirked a brow. "Why is that everyone's first impression?"

"Because not many people would trust you with a child."

"I'm a professor at Hogwarts."

"Against most peoples' better judgment," Remus said, smirking.

The potions master rolled his eyes, ignoring the comment. He walked over to the aisle and picked up some gillyweed. Not the quality he was used to, but it was a school budget. He set it down and went over to research his options with asphodel when he felt Harry jerk behind him. He stopped, grabbing the boy moments before the child could fall.

"How'd you get that strap undone?" Severus asked, glaring at Harry.

"Accidental magic's a bitch, isn't it, Severus?" Remus mumbled, smirking.

Severus growled. "What do you know?"

"A bit, actually." Remus walked over, hands open. "Would you like me to take him while you shop? I can distract him."

"Why should I trust you?"

"I'm fairly decent with kids."

The potions master pursed his lips. "Fine. Just don't maul him."

"That's not for another week, Severus." Remus held the boy, bouncing him on his hip. "Hi there! What's your name?"

"His name is Draco."

"That's a weird name for a child, Severus."

Severus shook his head. "Take it up with Narcissa. It's her son, not mine." He glared. "And you're one to talk, Remus."

The lycanthrope smiled. "So I speak from experience." He scowled. "They allowed Narcissa to breed?"

"With Lucius Malfoy. Have a problem with that?"

"Not that it matters, but yes."

Severus bit his cheek. He did not need Harry hearing the types of things he should be saying to the idiot werewolf.

"They're very good with him, you know."

"I should hope so," Remus said, quirking a brow. "He is their son. I just worry what types of values they plan on instilling in him."

"Is it any of your concern?"

The werewolf sighed. "I guess not." He held the boy closer, catching a whiff of him as the boy snuggled in. Remus wrinkled his nose. "This is Malfoy's son?"

Severus rolled his eyes as he made his way to the check-out counter. "Is there any doubt?" He pointed to the blond hair and silver eyes. "Or are you colorblind?"

"Do you make jokes about all disabilities equally, or are you partial to invisible ones?"

"I'm partial to ones that cause you to turn into a raging monster once a month."

"Sh!" Remus's eyes darted through the store. "Don't say that."

"What?" Severus's jaw dropped slightly. "Are you saying you haven't disclosed that information to your employer?"

"Severus, I'm warning you…"

"That's illegal, Lupin."

Remus's hazel eyes flickered amber. "I've done so in the past and it hasn't worked well." He handed Harry back to the potions master. "And I refuse to hear a lecture on proper legal etiquette from you, Severus."

The dark man perched the boy on his hip. "I'd take it up with your manager, but sadly it is nap time."

Amber eyes roved over the overburdened Hogwarts professor. "Do you think you can carry your order home, or would you prefer I send it via owl order?" Severus glared. "Owl order it is. Can I have your address so it can make it to your home and not some random field in Surrey?"

Severus's eyes widened. "How did you know I live in Surrey?"

"You should know I have a strong sense of smell."

"And I smell like Surrey to you?"

"Yes."

The potions master shook his head and gave his address. He left, deciding to take Harry to the Malfoys for naptime instead of slumming it in his own home for the afternoon. Play time for Harry and Draco meant teatime for Severus.

Teatime turned into supper time and Severus and Harry did not return home until near nine at night. He was more than ready to drop dead in bed, but watching Harry meant putting him down, first. At least the child no longer slept in a crib. It made the nighttime routine slightly quicker. He turned toward the stairs when the lights flicked on. He swiveled in his spot, wand raised.

He sighed once he caught sight of the man in the chair.

"Don't sneak up on a death eater, Lupin."

"Ex-death eater, if I remember correctly," the lycanthrope said, setting down the history book he was reading.

"Is that my copy of Diary of Anne Frank?"

"My first question should be why you have a copy of this in the first place, but I'll circle back to that."

Severus sighed. "Why are you here, Lupin?"

"You lied to me."

"Apparently not well enough," Severus said under his breath. He let Harry down. "Child, go get ready for bed. I'll be up shortly."

"Child? Not Draco?"

"What do you assume I lied to you about?" Severus asked, grabbing a decanter of whisky and sitting down in his lay-z-boy.

"That boy is not Draco Malfoy."

"And you know this how?"

Remus crossed his arms. "He has the distinct smell of a glamour charm."

"Glamour charms smell?"

"Everything has a smell if you have a distinguished enough nose."

"Right. Even Surrey has a smell."

"So, whose child did you kidnap?"

Severus threw his hands in the air. "Why is that everyone's first assumption?"

"We already went through that. Besides, the fact that you lied to me doesn't aid your argument."

"I kidnapped no one."

"Then, why did you place a glamour charm on a kid? You wouldn't do that if he were actually yours."

"There is a third option, you know," Severus said, rubbing his head.

"And that is?"

"I'm trying to protect him from outside forces."

"Yes, because the force is strong in this one."

The potions master rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I can forget we were brought up in similar environments…until you do that."

"So ashamed of your muggle side?"

"No. Ashamed to share anything in common with you? Yes."

"You're a mean, mean little man."

"And you need some better comebacks. Why are you so interested? This is none of your business."

Remus smirked. "Would you rather me go to the aurors?"

"You haven't already?"

"I know what it's like to be accused of something without anyone hearing my side of things."

Severus rolled his head back. "For the last time, it seemed reasonable you and Black were in on it together."

"I'm giving you the respect you didn't show me."

"Fine." Severus growled before turning his head toward the stairs. "Harry, can you come down a minute?"

"Harry?"

The toddler ran down the stairs, nearly tripping several times.

"Unca Sev! You read me a story?" the boy asked, clambering to get on the man's lap.

Severus sighed and helped the boy up. "I will, but first I want you to meet someone."

"Unca Sev friend?"

"Not even close."

Remus's brow furrowed. "Is this who I think it is?"

Severus let the glamour drop, revealing a very bouncy Harry Potter, singing about a dancing teddy bear or dinosaur or something.

"Lupin, I do believe you know Harry Potter."

Remus gasped, reaching out to touch the boy. The tot recoiled, snuggling in deeper to Severus. The lycanthrope pulled his hand back quickly.

"Harry?"

"Who you?"

"My name's Remus Lupin." The man's voice cracked. He cleared his throat before continuing. "I was a friend of your mummy and daddy."

"Mummy and daddy?" the boy asked, eyes narrowing.

"Yes, mummy and daddy. We went to school together."

"Unca Sev did, too?"

The werewolf chewed his bottom lip. "Yeah. Severus did, too."

"So, you Unca Sev friend?"

"Uhm…"

"Mr. Potter," Severus said, clearing his throat. "Why don't you go upstairs to bed?"

"Story…" the boy whined.

"I'll be up momentarily to read you a story. How about 'A is for Asphodel' and a chapter from The Two Towers if you're really good?"

"Yay!" Harry squealed, jumping off the man's lap and running upstairs to his room.

Remus and Severus stared at each other for several minutes. Silence filled the air. In the distance, a young Harry sang on about a purple dinosaur and imagination. Severus rolled his eyes. Maybe that was enough colonial tv for a while.

"I'm going to need an explanation," the werewolf finally said.

"I do believe the song has something to do with…."

"Not about the purple dinosaur, Severus!" Remus jumped to his feet and began pacing. "What in Merlin's name are you doing with Harry Potter?"

"Currently, wondering why I promised to read him the entirety of the Two Towers. Everyone knows it's a throwaway book."

"Severus, please…"

The potions master pursed his lips. "What was I supposed to do, Lupin? Once I found out Tuney left him in the cupboard under the stairs, I had to do something."

"Tuney?" Amber eyes narrowed. "As in…?"

"Petunia Dursley."

"You have to give me more than that."

"Petunia Dursley nee Evans."

Remus scrunched his nose. "Lily's sister?"

"Do you understand my actions now?"

"More so, not completely." The lycanthrope rubbed his face. "I know Lily had trouble with her sister, but that doesn't mean the woman would stoop so low as to lock her nephew with the cleaning supplies."

"Last year in August, I had to keep the tot for a week while his hair grew back due to an unfortunate chemical spill."

"Who keeps those types of chemicals in their home?"

"Petunia Evans."

Remus shook his head. "Okay, so why take him here?"

Severus motioned for the man to follow him. He opened the door and pointed. "It's about ten paces from his house."

The lycanthrope stared out at Number Four Privet Drive. "Points for dedication. I'll give you that."

"Now that I've given you an explanation," Severus scowled, "would you kindly leave?"

"No, no way! I have spent the past year and a half looking for Harry. I'm not giving up on him now."

"And you looked oh-so-hard. He's living with his aunt in a listed home."

"I asked Dumbledore constantly."

"I asked Dumbledore, too. When he refused to give a straightforward answer, I did my own dirty work," Severus said, brow quirked.

"You grew up with Lily. I barely remembered she had a sister." Remus flopped back onto the couch, head in hands. "I tracked down all of James's living relatives—most of which are death eaters, by the way." He rubbed his face and stared up at the potions master. "I thought about going to the Blacks, but I've been banned from all Black residencies. And Augusta Longbottom refused to take in Harry after what happened to Frank and Alice…"

"No surprise there," Severus said, huffing. "Not like she was overly charitable."

"What was I supposed to do?"

Severus sighed, letting his shoulders sag. For all that he wanted to throw the man out on his tail and slam the door, Lupin had as much right to Harry as he did.

"You're not to see him the day before, the day of, or the day after the full moon," the potions master finally said.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Like I'd be in any shape to see a kid anyway."

"And you must give regular status updates as to your physical well-being."

"Okay…" The lycanthrope furrowed his brow. "Wouldn't have it any other way."

"And…" Severus sighed, pulling out the potions journal he'd been reading earlier that morning. "And you help me with this."

Remus took the proffered journal, opening it to the tabbed page. "Wolfsbane potion?" He scowled down at the article. "Seriously?"

"I plan to perfect it."

"It's a myth, a pipe dream."

"Right now, yes." Severus pointed at the highlighted portion. "However, this breakthrough hypothesis from Norway might just work."

The lycanthrope stared at Severus. "So…I'm your science experiment?"

"More like guinea pig, but yes."

"And I would get to see Harry?"

"And live rent free in this house, have regular meals, and possibly prank Petunia on occasion."

Remus reddened. "I don't need your charity."

"This isn't charity. It's a sound business offer." Severus crossed his arms. "Do you seriously think I want you living with me?"

"And you'd do this all for the sake of helping werewolves?"

"Helping werewolves…progressing science: tomato, tomahto."

The werewolf shook his head. "Why am I even considering this?"

"Because you're obviously malnourished and in need of stable shelter?"

"Is it really that obvious?"

"To anyone with eyes," Severus said, smirking.

"Unca Sev, story time," Harry called from the top of the stairs.

Severus rolled his eyes. "I hate to offer, but would you like to join us for story time?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world!"


	4. Chapter 4

Petunia pulled on the little arm again. "Come along, brat. I don't have all day."

"Uncle Sev?" Harry asked, whimpering as she tugged his hand again.

"Yes, I'm taking you to Severus," she said, pulling him up the steps. She dropped his hand and knocked on the door.

"Hello?" Severus asked. He glared. "Oh, you."

"Yes, me." Petunia pushed past the man, letting herself into his home.

"To what do I owe the horror?"

"I'm taking Dudley to the zoo…"

"And you're finally going to introduce him to his biological family," Severus said, smirking. "That's very honorable of you, Tuney."

"Shut it, Snape." The young woman's eyes narrowed. "What's with all the boxes?"

The potions master turned and sneered at a tower of cardboard moving containers next to him. "Moving day."

"Oh, you're moving out?" Petunia asked, a faux frown gracing her lips. "You'll be sorely missed."

"I'm not moving out, you imbecile." Severus crossed his arms. "My roommate is moving in."

Petunia raised her eyebrows. "Your roommate?"

"Sev," Remus called, walking into the room, "do you know the number for…." He stopped, eyeing the obnoxiously tall woman. "Uhm, hello?"

"Lupin," Severus smirked, "you remember Tuney, right?"

"Who?"

"Petunia Evans…"

"Dursley," Petunia corrected, sneering. "Petunia Dursley."

"Uncle Remus," Harry called out, running over to the lycanthrope.

"Harry, my boy," the wolf said, picking him up.

The despised woman turned to her childhood nemesis. "You have two minutes to explain."

"Well," Severus's smile broadened, "I can't be here all the time, and Remus needed a place to stay…"

"This isn't an explanation…"

"What more do you want to know?"

Petunia rolled her eyes and picked up the first thing she saw from the box. "Is this a photo of you?"

Remus took the moving picture. "Yes, that's my school friends and me."

She scrunched her nose. "Wait!" She grabbed it back. "Is that Potter?"

"A little old to be Potter, isn't he?" Severus asked, eyes sparkling.

"Shut it, Snape." She held up the photo. "Is that you with James Potter?"

The lycanthrope's brow furrowed. "Why does it matter?"

"You were one of his friends."

"No duh, Sherlock," Severus said, crossing his arms.

"Uncle Sev," Harry called, reaching from Remus's arms toward the sour man.

The potions master rolled his eyes. "Come here, imp." He picked him up and held him close to his side. "Ready for a day of fun with Draco?"

"Draco?"

Petunia rolled her eyes. "Just don't give him too many sweets." She crossed her arms. "Last time he came back, he was bouncing off the walls all night."

"Shoot," Severus's brow furrowed, "are you saying I shouldn't have given him two sodas, a coffee, a chocolate cake, and ice cream before sending him home?"

Remus turned to his new roommate, mouth agape. "You didn't actually do that, did you?"

The man leaned into the wolf's ear. "Two pepper-ups and a piece of Honeyduke's finest."

"Good, because this is a child. He's not just a weapon to annoy your neighbor."

"If I don't go now, we'll be late." Petunia dropped off a diaper bag. Remus picked it up.

"Wow, that's light."

Severus sighed, watching her leave. "It's empty. It's for show."

The werewolf unzipped it, sifting through it to find something, anything. "Well, you weren't wrong."

"I never am." The potions professor walked over to the play chest and picked out Harry's favorite stuffed toy. "Now, what poisons would you like to make first, Mr. Potter?"

"Excuse me?" Remus ran over. "You're having him help you with potions?"

"You take everything too literally."

"I don't know what to expect with you, Severus." The werewolf's eyes narrowed. "And why the hell are you brewing poisons?"

"Language, Lupin," Severus said, smirking. He picked up the cardboard book Harry loved and handed it over. "Apparently, the publishers of 'My First Magic Books' don't know the difference between harmless ingredients and deadly plants."

Remus scanned the pages. "I guess they're hoping children don't, either."

"They're supposed to be educating the students I then have to reteach."

"Do you have to bring in your job at Hogwarts in every conversation we have?"

"I'm a teacher. I don't get a life outside of grading and instruction." Severus sat down next to Harry. "So, Mr. Potter, what would we like to make today?"

"You're seriously going to spend time with Harry? On the floor? Playing?"

"I've been doing so for a year now."

"Fine," Remus threw his hands in the air, "then I am going to go garden. Your flowerbeds are atrocious."

"Don't you dare pull out my nightshade."

"Who grows deadly poisons in their flowerbeds?"

Severus glared. "Where else would you want me to grow them?" He turned back to Harry.

"Can't argue with that," Remus said under his breath. He walked toward the door.

"And get those boxes out of my hall!"

Remus ignored him and walked out to the gardens. He scanned the beds: nightshade, asphodel, witchhazel, and was that belladona? He shook his head. At least there were some dandelions and crabgrass that even Severus wouldn't want in there. He knelt down and began picking.

As he weeded, he began plotting out a small spot for himself. It would be nice to have some real flowers, maybe some hydrangeas or a few daffodils. Harry needed something he could pick without fear of ingesting a harmful substance. The man smiled to himself as a vision of a small concrete bench surrounded by mulch filled his mind.

"Uncle Remus?"

The werewolf jumped, swivelling. "Harry?"

The little boy giggled and hugged the man. How had the child snuck up on him?

"What you doing?" Harry asked, cuddling into Remus's side.

"Well," the lycanthrope furrowed his brow, "the garden needed a little bit of cleaning, like you do. Instead of soap and water, we have to go in and take out the bad stuff by hand."

"I help?"

Remus shook his head. "Sorry, cub, but this is not a good place for little ones to be." He looked over his shoulder at the sprawling lawn. "How about you watch me from over there?"

"Okay," the little boy said, running over and sitting in the grass.

"What happened to Severus?"

"Uncle Sev say to go to Uncle Remus. Bad man in fire."

"Bad man?" the werewolf's eyes narrowed. "What bad man?" Harry shrugged. "Never mind. I'll ask him later."

Remus turned back to the garden, humming to himself as he began pulling out some grass. Right here would be a good spot for him to place a small vegetable garden. A few tomato plants here, some lettuce there…But what was he going to do when they started to have rabbit problems? Could he convince Snape to tether Moony to the front yard on full moons? Supposedly, the wolfsbane would allow him to keep his mind. Might as well be productive…

A hissing sound punctured the silence behind him. The lycanthrope turned slightly, brow furrowed. Harry was laying in the grass, hands under his chin, legs crossed and kicking back and forth. Green eyes narrowed, and the little boy's eyebrows scrunched together. After a moment, the child let out another hiss.

Remus shook his head. Okay, apparently toddlers hiss. Why not? They babbled and cooed at times. He turned back to his task. He was not going to question the tot when he was obviously entertained. He shifted over to the adjoining area, lips pinched in thought. What could he do over here?

"Uncle Remus, Uncle Remus, look."

The man turned slightly and jumped as an adder was pushed into his face. How Harry had snuck up on him again was completely thrown out of his mind as the venomous snake stuck out its tongue at him.

"Severus!" Remus screamed, pulling out his wand and pointing it at the boy.

The potions master ran out the door, eyes widening. He whipped out his wand, pointing it at Remus. "What the hell, Lupin?"

"Language," the werewolf said, smirking before his brow furrowed once again.

"Put the wand down, or I will not be held responsible for my actions."

"Okay, so you want me not to protect Harry?"

"By pointing a wand at him?"

"Look at what he's holding."

Severus turned to the boy. Harry's green eyes sparkled and he smiled joyously.

"Uncle Sev, look." The boy held up his new friend, then turned and started hissing.

"He's hissing at the creature?" Severus asked, eyes narrowed.

"That's your big question?" Remus snorted. "He's holding a venomous snake."

"Yes, and hissing at it."

"He's been doing that for a while now."

Dark eyes flashed. "And you didn't think the question it?"

"Children do a lot of strange things. Making animal noises is not usually considered one of them."

"I don't know many children's books that say, 'The snake goes hiss hiss'."

"Maybe you should write one." Remus turned. "Harry, could you put the snake down, please?"

The boy pouted. "But…Ursinii is my friend."

"Ursinii?"

Severus rubbed his eyes. "That's the adder's latin name."

"And you expect a two-year-old to know that?"

"He's almost three."

Remus glared. "He doesn't know how to spell his own name." The man's eyes widened. "He doesn't even know how to spell. He doesn't know the alphabet."

"Do you talk about snakes a lot?" Severus asked. "Because he didn't hear it from me."

"Yes, Snape, that's my hobby: talking about venomous animals with my nephew."

"Harry," the potions master turned to his charge, ignoring the other man's sarcasm, "put the snake down. It's dangerous."

"But he said no hurt me," the boy said, pulling the snake up next to his face.

"Harry, no!" Remus lunged out and tried to grab the boy's arm.

"Lupin, stop!" Severus grabbed the other man's hand before the snake could attack. "It's apparent that the snake is not currently harming Harry, but if you cause it to feel threatened, that could change."

"So, you're perfectly fine with him playing with an adder?"

"No," Severus looked between Harry and the snake, "but I need to convince the child to let go of his newfound playmate. Annoying the thing will not get us anywhere."

"I'm open to suggestions."

The potions master kneeled down. "Harry, would you like a biscuit?" The boy nibbled his lip, nodding. "Okay, well, we can go get a biscuit, but we have to let go of the snake."

"But, Ursinii is my friend," Harry said, wrapping the adder around his neck. "He come with?"

"No," Severus shook his head, "snakes are not allowed inside the house."

"Why not?"

"Uhm…" The potions master wrinkled his nose, looking behind him. "We can't have snakes in the house because werewolves are allergic to them."

Remus glared. "What?"

"Do you want an adder for a roommate?"

"No."

"Then," Severus's eyes narrowed, "it would stand to reason that werewolves must be allergic to snakes." He turned back to the tot. "It'll make Uncle Remus sick."

Harry frowned. "But…"

"Put him down in the garden. I'm sure you'll be able to find him again."

"Snape," Remus sputtered.

"He'll forget about this by tomorrow," Severus said, lowering his voice. "Children do not have that great of a memory."

Harry tilted his head. "Biscuit?"

"Two biscuits," Severus said, nodding, "and some milk. But only if you put the snake down now."

The child sighed, hissing before grabbing the adder and placing it on the ground. The snake turned to the boy and hissed back. Harry shook his head, hissing some more. Finally, the snake bobbed and slithered over to the other end of the garden. Harry looked up at his uncles expectantly.

"Biscuit?" the boy asked.

"Yes," Severus said, grabbing the boy's hand. "And I believe Uncle Remus wants some, too." He snuck a peek over at the lycanthrope, whose mouth hung wide open. "Right, Remus?"

"Are we just going to ignore the fact he had a conversation with a snake?" the werewolf asked, eyes widened in horror.

"No, but I think that this is best discussed over milk and biscuits before someone takes his nap."

"Didn't you say something about the Malfoy boy?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "Is that what you want to talk about?"

Finally, Remus rose, dusting himself off. "No, but I did question it."

"Biscuits, morning nap, and you and I will discuss this morning's happenings before we are surrounded by blonds."

"Surrounded?"

"Lucius needed something to do to get out of this week's emergency Wizengamot meeting," the potions master said, picking up his charge and placing him in his high chair.

"So," Remus grabbed the milk from the fridge, "Malfoy goes to lords meetings, but not Wizengamot trials?"

Severus headed to the cabinet, grabbing the digestives. "This particular trial may include a death eater who has evidence he was not under the influence of Imperius."

"Wait," the wolf swiveled, "are you saying that Lucius should be in Azkaban?"

"Just because he was not under the imperius, does not mean he deserves to be in Azkaban."

"He killed countless muggles."

"Shh," Severus put a finger to his lips, "don't try to be logical."

"How many other death eaters escaped persecution through lying?"

"Would you rather talk about the obvious pitfalls in our justice system," the potions master gave Harry his biscuits and sat down, "or would you like to discuss the child's ability to talk to snakes?"

Remus sighed, rubbing his face. "How in the world is he a parselmouth?"

"I don't quite know."

"Has he shown this ability before?"

Severus's eyes narrowed. "Yes, Lupin, and I just now thought it would be funny to send the child out the play with adders." He shook his head. "No, he never showed an affinity for the ability before."

"Wasn't Voldemort a parselmouth?"

"Yes."

"Could this cause concern that Harry could be a dark wizard?"

The potions master looked over at the boy, currently making his biscuits converse with his milk. "Yes, obviously, the boy is the next dark lord."

"Severus…"

"No, it's passed down genetically. Ever see Potter acting strangely around snakes?"

"Not that I can recall." Remus scowled. "Not that we played with snakes much."

"Yes, you in fact had a crusade to ensure they had miserable lives."

"I just did what they told me. I was happy to have friends." The werewolf crossed his arms. "I wasn't about to stand up to them and lose them."

"Well, I think it's time for someone's nap. Then, I could use some help in the lab…"

"You have a potions lab here?"

"In the cellar." Severus stretched, grabbing Harry after wiping his mouth and hands. "I have a few thoughts concerning the wolfsbane, and I wanted your opinion on them."

"My opinion?"

"Yes, I also need to know of any specific allergies you might have. Don't need you going into anaphelactic shock with your first dose."

"Just don't put any snakes in there, apparently," Remus said, smirking as he followed the potions master up the stairs.

Several hours later, the floo flared. Lucius walked out with Draco on his hip. He smirked as Harry ran to him, babbling happily.

"Hello, Harry. Look who I brought with me." The blond set his son down. Draco beamed and began talking animatedly with his friend. "Severus, I'm here for that brandy you promised."

"The two of you are watching children and you're having brandy?" Remus asked, leaning against the door jam to the kitchen.

Lucius scowled. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here now."

"And I need to avoid silver."

The wolf glared. "Low blow, Malfoy."

"Don't go after my brother, then."

"Go after? What do you think I'm doing with Severus?"

"Waiting for a full moon to have yourself a nice treat?"

"Sirius already tried that once," Remus rolled his eyes, "it did not go well."

"I thought we agreed, Black's name is taboo here," Severus said, walking in carrying brandy and three glasses.

"Why is the wolf here?" Lucius asked, plopping down on the couch.

"I need a babysitter during the school year."

"I thought that was my job."

"Last year, Harry almost died from the flu."

Remus's mouth dropped. "Merlin, is he alright?"

"You're keeping this Gryffindor around?" Lucius asked.

The wolf slapped his forehead. "I spent too many years with idiots. Do forgive my momentary lapse of reason."

"He's my experiment," Severus said.

"I really do wish we could find a better word," Remus said, taking a sip. "Is this peach flavored?"

"Test rat? Guinea pig?"

"What are you experimenting with?" Lucius asked, crossing his legs.

"Wolfsbane." Severus poured himself a second glass. "I saw an article about some amazing breakthroughs in the continent."

"You want to help these half-breeds?"

"Do you want a bunch of rabid werewolves that could possibly attack your son, or lucid ones who spend their nights sleeping?"

"Or playing cards…" Remus said, shrugging.

Severus glared. "With whom?"

"Other werewolves?"

"Do you have a club?"

"I don't know." The werewolf sipped his brandy. "I don't truly remember what happens on full moons. For all I know, we're secretly plotting to take over the ministry of magic."

Lucius tilted his head. "That'd be an interesting coup." He gulped his drink, pouring another. "However, it could only happen once a month, so it wouldn't be very effective."

"Yes, we'd probably be stopped within a week of the first."

"What is your new government's goals?"

"Sending guilty death eaters to Azkaban," Remus said, smirking. "Also, lowering the price on all chew toys."

"I'd have thought you'd focus on the rising concern of fleas," Severus said, smirking into his brandy.

"Oh, we'd have to pass some legislation requiring all fleas to register with the ministry to be tracked."

"So, what? Fleas are the new werewolves?" Lucius asked.

"Have you ever had fleas?"

"Have you?"

Remus rubbed his neck. "There was an incident sixth year I'm legally obligated not to discuss."

"Yes, legally obligated…"

"Have you read a Marauder's contract?" The wolf shook his head. "James should've been a barrister. That thing is detailed."

"So, werewolf takeovers aside…" Severus said, rolling his eyes. "How was the lords' meeting this month?"

"Come to one and you'll find out," Lucius replied, smirking.

"I'd rather help in the coup de lycanthrope."

Amber eyes sparkled. "Does that mean I can add you to the petition?"

"If you can find Greyback to notarize it, then sure."

Remus's eyes darkened. "If anyone's name should be taboo in this household, it's his."

Lucius poured his third brandy on the rocks. "What? You don't worship him?"

"What do you think?"

"I thought all werewolves were the same."

Remus shook his head. "I hate the beast. I was five when he turned me." He rubbed his eyes. "Do you know what it's like to be five and tormented by a condition you can't control?"

"My apologies," the Malfoy lord said, side-eyeing Severus.

"With that happy discussion over," the potions master turned to his friend, "I did have a question for you. Has Harry ever found enjoyment in talking to your snake?"

Lucius stared at his empty glass. "I must've had one too many already." He set it down. "Could you repeat that?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "The snake you keep in your office. What's its name?"

"William Snakespeare?"

Remus snickered. "William Snakespeare?"

"Narcissa has an obsession with Romeo and Juliet."

"And you let her name it?"

"It was a birthday present." Lucius shook his head. "Harry's never been in my office. I don't make it a practice of letting little boys alone with a five foot python."

"How do you feel about little boys befriending adders?" Severus asked, smirking.

Lucius choked on his drink. "What?"

"We have reason to believe Harry is a parselmouth."

"How?"

Remus sighed. "That's what we'd like to know."

"Vernon won't be happy," the Malfoy lord mumbled, massaging his temples.

"That's the understatement of the century," Severus agreed, knocking back the rest of his glass. "What should we do?"

"My suggestion?" Lucius furrowed his brow. "Explain to Harry that talking to snakes is only something he does with you."

"That could work."

"Make sure you don't make it sound like a bad thing. He's sensitive and could feel he did something wrong."

"Okay."

"And maybe offer Petunia a pet snake for her birthday."

"Why?" Remus asked, eyes narrowing.

"The look on her face would be priceless."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: All of the characters belong to JK Rowling. We're just having a little fun. Hope you enjoy!

"Erg." Severus threw his latest ruined potion over the table in an uncharacteristic display of emotion. He sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Everything alright in here?" Remus asked, drying his hands with a towel. It had been his night to do dishes, and he was just finishing up when he'd heard glass shatter.

"I just need time."

"Anything I can help with?"

"Unless you know what I could use as a numbing agent that won't interact with the moonstone in your Wolfsbane, I'd highly recommend you remain silent," the potions master said, laying his head on his arms. "I wish there was some way I could observe you on a full moon without fear of dismemberment."

"Have you ever thought of becoming an animagus?" The werewolf sat down on a stool opposite his roommate.

The dark man quirked a brow. "And that would help me why?"

"Werewolves don't attack animals, only humans."

Silence filled the room. The two men stared at one another.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Severus asked, raising his voice and his hands.

"You didn't ask."

"Had I known there was a possible way to observe you safely, I would have asked more about it. However, I was under the impression nothing could stop a wolf on the prowl."

"What's this about a wolf?" Lucius asked, walking in with Draco on his hip.

"Malfoy?" Remus's eyes narrowed. "What are you doing here?"

"I can't come to check in on my friends?"

"Narcissa kicked you out, didn't she?" Severus smirked, turning back to grab a few ingredients for the next step of his Wolfsbane.

"No woman has that power over me…"

"What did you do this time?"

"Well, Septimus was lonely…"

"Wait," Remus held up a hand, "who's Septimus?"

Severus moaned, rubbing his forehead. "Lucius, tell me you didn't buy more peacocks."

"But you weren't there. Cassius and Cassiopeia were begging to come home with me. They had the most adorable black eyes."

"Adorable is not the word I would use for peacocks," the lycanthrope mumbled, massaging his temples. With only days until the full moon, loud noises were starting to get to him again.

"Lucius, if you buy one more animal, you'll have enough to start a zoo," Severus said, ignoring the wolf for the time being.

"Now you're just sounding like Narcissa." The blond set his son down on the ground and Draco toddled over to the stairs to go find Harry. "So, what's this about wolves?"

"I am one?" Remus said, trying not to vomit at the scent of Lucius's cologne.

Severus turned to his friend. "Were you aware werewolves don't attack other animals?"

"No, I assumed they attacked everything in sight," Lucius said, furrowing his brow.

"We aren't actually beasts! I don't know how many times I'm going to have to repeat myself." Remus straightened. "Excuse me." He ran off to the connected bathroom. Retching sounds echoed through the cellar moments later.

"Is he alright?"

The potions master rolled his eyes. "He's had this condition for most of his life, yet he still insists on coming down here only a few days before the full moon." He sighed, rubbing his eyes. "His senses are in overdrive. He gets awful migraines and ends up quite nauseated."

The lycanthrope dragged himself out of the bathroom. "Shouldn't you be more concerned about your son? You did just set him loose in a potion master's home. We have stinging nettle and bloodroot growing in the gardens, and no matter how many times I tell him to move it, there is a bottle of arsenic in the bottom cupboard."

"It's warded," Severus said, glaring. "I'm not a complete idiot."

"I think Narcissa would be more upset if I killed her son," Lucius said, shrugging. "However, seeing as Draco can't open a door yet…"

Wails echoed throughout the chamber.

Remus turned to Severus. "Somebody found a door, apparently."

"Would you mind? I can't leave the potion at this moment or it will explode."

"Do I let him out, or…?"

"Draconus," Lucius called, walking to the bottom of the stairs. "Come back down here. Harry isn't here tonight." He turned back to his friends. "Is he?"

"Two nights before the full moon? Hell no." Severus grabbed his stirring rod.

Remus smirked. "I'm not actually a danger to anyone except the night of the full moon, but Severus likes to take precautions."

"And I like my guinea pigs to take their potions on time. Here." He handed the lycanthrope a recently ladled potion. Remus grimaced as he slurped it down. "So, animagus transformations. Lucius, do you have any idea how one would go about it?"

The blond crossed his arms. "I'm sure the Malfoy library has some literature on it, if I take the time to investigate."

"Professor McGonagall might know," Remus said, sitting down to make the world stop spinning, "seeing as she is one."

"How are you feeling?" Severus asked, conjuring a quill and paper.

"Is the room supposed to be upside down?"

Before either man could answer, the werewolf's hair caught fire. Lucius's eyes widened and he ran for the fire extinguisher that Severus made him learn how to use when he first bought a chemical plant for the pharmaceutical company.

"Interesting," the potions master mumbled to himself, taking notes.

"Interesting? That's all you have to say?" Lucius asked as he sprayed foam on the poor wolf.

"Huh? What?" Remus looked up, his eyes blinking.

"Did you fall asleep?"

"Possibly. Were either of you talking about cheese?"

"No."

"Then, yes. I must have had another dream about the Gryffindor common room."

Severus's eyes narrowed. "You regularly discussed cheese in the common room?"

"Peter liked cheese."

"I'm not going to ask any further questions." The dark man threw a towel at the other man. "It seems one of the ingredients interacted incorrectly with this morning's pain potion."

"Which one?" Remus asked, taking the towel and cleaning off his hair.

"Probably the ethanol. Highly doubt aconite would cause spontaneous combustion."

Lucius's eyes widened and he pursed his lips as Remus finished drying his short locks.

"Uhm, Lupin…" Severus started, his own eyes growing large.

"What?"

The blond man turned to his friend. "Do fire extinguishers have that effect on hair?"

"Not normally," the potions master responded.

The lycanthrope quickly put a hand to his head. No, it was still there. He hadn't gone bald. He dashed back to the bathroom, turning on the lights.

"What the hell?" Remus yelled, running back into the room. "My hair is white!"

"More of a pale blond," Lucius said, eyes narrowing.

"Malfoy-color, to be exact," Severus said, smirking. He turned to his friend. "Weren't you just saying you always wanted a little brother?"

"Not a half-breed one."

"Take him home to Narcissa and say Draco had an accident."

"I like my life. I plan to keep it."

"Uhm, Severus, Lucius," the werewolf said, eyeing the other two suspiciously. "Did you try this?"

"I can honestly tell you, Lupin, that I had no idea that this reaction would occur," Severus said, looking over his list of ingredients.

"This would have been a great joke potion," Lucius said, standing behind his friend. He read over Severus's shoulder. "Why the Abraxan hair?"

"It has an unknown effect. I'd like to make it known."

"You tested an unknown potion ingredient on me?" Remus asked, mouth dropping in horror.

Lucius's eyes bounced from the parchment to the wolf. "That would explain the off-white hair, though."

"Something I'll have to add to my potions journal," Severus agreed. He picked up his wand and waved it at Remus. His hair turned caramel in color. "A slightly lighter tint than you're used to, I'm sure. However, I do believe that is the best I can do without accidentally causing the dragon claw ooze to spontaneously combust."

"What have you been feeding me?" Remus asked, backing away slowly.

"I was curious as to how differing animal parts with unknown effects might interact with the aconite to augment lucidity."

Lucius quirked a brow. "In English?"

"He thought that mixing wolfsbane with another animal ingredient might help me better keep my human mind," Remus explained. "Do you think it will work?"

"Well, so long as we don't add Abraxan hair to the next batch, I'm fairly certain the dragon claw should work together with the aconite to cleave to the wolf part and cause it to either fall asleep the entire night or create a sense of territorial rage."

"Again," the blond said, eyes narrowing. "In English?"

"You don't know if this will even help?" The werewolf's mouth dropped. "It could cause me to become worse?"

"We are swimming in unchartered waters." Severus shrugged, smirking. "Or should I say 'dogpaddling'?"

"You should say 'sorry'."

"For what?"

"You never asked me my opinion. I never would have consented had I known…"

"You do realize we're experimenting, right? This means that there are risks." The potions master turned to Lucius, who was studying a random parchment. "What do you have there, Luc?"

"While you two were bickering, I summoned Dobby and asked him to use his elf magic to find anything the Malfoys have on animagus transformations," Lucius said, turning back to the page. "Here it says you have to hold a mandrake leaf under your tongue for a month."

Chuckling erupted from Remus and both men turned to stare.

"Something you'd like to share with the class, Lupin?" Severus asked, brow quirked. "Because I don't see anything funny about the fact you will have to remain alone for this full moon."

"No. I'm good," the lycanthrope said, turning and whistling while walking away.

"Guess it's time for us to grow some Mandrakes, Sev," Lucius said, staring down the daunting list of potions ingredients required in the process.

"Or I could ask Pomona," Severus replied, turning to clean up his potions.

"And tell her what?"

"I'm becoming an animagus?"

"What? You'd tell her the truth?"

Severus looked up at his brother in all but blood. "Yes. That is the legal way to do it, after all. I'll then register with the ministry."

"Are you insane? You would have to give a reason for why you were becoming one."

"So?"

"So? How would you explain the part about your werewolf guinea pig?"

The potions master's eyes narrowed. "Why would that be an issue? Everyone at the ministry already knows about his condition."

Remus walked in as Lucius raised his voice.

"Seriously? You truthfully believe that?" the blond asked.

"Believe what?" the lycanthrope asked, taking a seat on a bar stool.

"Of course Lupin is a registered werewolf. It's illegal to hide your condition from the ministry," Severus turned to the wolf, "right, Lupin?" Amber eyes turned to the ceiling and whistled a non-distinct tune. "Lupin?"

"The bureau of werewolf registry was created as a joke," Remus said, shrugging. "Do you honestly believe werewolves would voluntarily go and register with the ministry? We aren't insane enough to want spies following our every move."

"But…it's illegal not to be."

"Yes, but it's so under-maintained and under-funded no one knows who is and isn't bitten."

"Ah, yes," Lucius said, nodding, "bureaucracy at its finest. It's illegal for werewolves not to register but there is not enough funding or manpower to register. You've got to love government."

"So," Severus ignored his friend to focus on the criminal he was harboring, "you're telling me that no one but Dumbledore, Black, and the three of us know about your furry little problem?"

"And Professor McGonagall…" Remus tilted his head to his side. "And Poppy."

"So, the real reason I couldn't say a word after the attack wasn't because the ministry would suddenly see you as rabid, it's so they wouldn't see you at all!"

Remus furrowed his brow. "I wonder what Professor Dumbledore's reasoning to add the Whomping Willow was to the board."

"What does that have to do with anything?" the blond wizard asked.

Severus rolled his eyes. "It protects the secret entrance to the werewolf lair." He looked back at the required potions once more. "How in the world am I to get some of these ingredients?"

Remus smirked, biting the inside of his cheek. "What do you mean?"

"Well, first off, how the hell am I to find a Death's-head Hawk Moth? They aren't even indigenous to Britain."

"Argus Filtch's office, apparently."

The dark man grimaced. "And how would you know this, Lupin?"

"My friends and I spent quite a bit of time in there."

"And you just so happened to find a chrysalis from a very rare moth?"

"Several. He has them in cages behind his desk," Remus said, shrugging.

Lucius shook his head. "I'm tempted to join the board just to go to them with all the knowledge I'm gaining of the inner workings of the school."

"If you go back to investigate Filtch's office and happen to come across a stack of parchment, could you bring it back? They're hidden under a label of…"

"Lupin, he is not your errand boy," Severus said, rubbing his forehead.

"I'm not allowed on campus without a good reason…"

"What if I go back and look for it for you?"

"I do believe James and Sirius would both be super offended I sent you of all people to obtain the map," the wolf said, taking the animagus parchment and reading it.

"It's a map?" Lucius said.

"Not always."

"Enough riddles," Severus said, snatching the parchment back. "One month from today, Lucius and I should be ready to join you on your full moon."

"Actually," Remus stared down at his nails, "it'll probably take more than a month, and that's assuming you have the correct weather patterns."

"How would you know?"

"Just read the parchment. You have to hold that mandrake leaf in your mouth for a month, starting on a full moon. If you mess up in any way, you have to wait until the next full moon and start all over again," Remus said, pulling the parchment toward the center of the table so that all could see.

"Okay, so be very careful with the mandrake leaf," Lucius said, nodding.

"Then, if the following full moon is on a cloudy night, you will have to wait another month, and keep the leaf under your tongue the entire time."

"Well, if we plan just right, I do believe most February moons are clear." Severus glared at the parchment.

"And how do you plan to teach with a leaf in your mouth?" Lucius asked.

"There are ways…"

"Anyway, say you happen to hit just the right time, you still have to wait for a lightning storm to drink the potion." Remus shook his head. "Meanwhile, if you forget to recite the spell even once, you have to start the entire process over again."

"How could anyone possibly have that sort of patience?" the potions master asked, rubbing his eyes.

"If you have a goal in mind, you'll do anything to fulfill it," the werewolf explained, smiling wistfully. "And weather manipulating spells are dead useful, too."

Severus stared at the werewolf. "How do you know so much about the process after only a cursory reading of the parchment?"

"Quick learner?"

"And how would you know that a weather manipulating spell wouldn't counteract the integrity of the process?"

"Good guess?"

Lucius's eyes narrowed. "Wasn't there that odd weather occurrence back in '75?"

"Strangely enough, I believe it was after the three-month vow of silence Potter, Black, and Pettigrew took." Severus smiled. "Best three months of my life."

"Those two events are completely unrelated," Remus said, staring up at the ceiling. "James, Sirius, and Peter took that vow protesting muggle violence bleeding into the magical world."

Severus pursed his lips. "I thought they said it was due to the unreasonable expectations of verbal answers and the traditional student/teacher construct."

"That too."

"Cissy said they were doing it because they were raising awareness of how funny they were and how much the student population underappreciated them," Lucius said.

"You can have a vow of silence for more than one reason." Remus looked down at the cement.

"And wasn't there that one time Potter answered that they were in the middle of an intense silent game and all too stubborn to quit?" The potions master crossed his arms.

"It was a very stressful year. We had to come up with interesting ways to relax. I created the silence game to get them all to shut up."

"Answer me this, Lupin: were they or were they not animagi?"

Remus sighed. "Once again, I am legally obligated not to answer that question."

"What were those insipid names again, Severus?" Lucius asked, flipping his hair out of his eyes.

"Uhm, Padfoot, Prongs, Wormtail…"

"Wait a minute!" Silver eyes popped open. "One of them was Wormtail?"

The werewolf quirked a brow. "You know Wormtail?"

"He was the Dark Lord's spy."

"What?" Remus's mouth dropped. He pulled out his wand and backed the blond into the wall. "How could you say that?"

"Because I heard him call Wormtail to him after one or two meetings?" The blond tilted his head. "Why would you name Black Wormtail?"

Severus shook his head. "Black was Padfoot. Pettigrew was Wormtail."

"Exactly. Sirius was a grim, and Peter was a rat; hence Wormtail. Hence his obsession with cheese." Remus shook his head once more. "That doesn't make any sense. Peter couldn't have been the spy."

"Are you so sure, Lupin?" the potions master asked. "Because—even with my hatred of all things Marauder—I would sooner pick Pettigrew as the spy of the dark lord than Sirius Black."

"But Sirius was the Secret Keeper."

"And who told you that?"

"Sirius."

Lucius grimaced. "You mean, the man who based his life on pranking people was the person you trusted to tell you the truth?"

"Well, they wouldn't have made Peter the Secret Keeper," Remus said, pushing the tip of his wand into Lucius Adam's apple.

"Why not? It's almost Slytherin. The perfect bluff."

"Sirius? Slytherin?"

"He is a Black," Lucius said, shrugging. "And think about it: Sirius—as much as he would have had training in withstanding torture as an auror—would know whether his breaking point was strong enough to defy the Dark Lord. If he knew he would crack fairly quickly—or at all—it would not do to choose him as the keeper."

"And you think Peter could withstand torture?"

"No one would think Pettigrew was the Secret Keeper. You didn't."

"Well, that's fair. Plus, it would then make sense why Sirius went after him…" Remus dropped his wand and turned. "Severus? Did Professor Dumbledore ever…" He blinked. "He's gone."

"Did he go to speak with the headmaster?" Lucius asked.

"That's the only logical thing I can think of."

Draco cried out once more.

"Dragon, it's just a door. It's not the end of the world," Lucius said, rubbing his eyes.

"Why don't we go up and get him some biscuits and milk?"

"That sounds like a good idea."

Ten minutes later found Remus, Lucius, and Draco enjoying chocolate chip biscuits and warm milk. Draco yawned, stretching his arms.

"I guess I should go back and face Cissa," Lucius said, picking up his son.

"You're not staying to find out the Severus mystery?"

"I'll be back tonight."

He turned, but stopped immediately when a pop of apparation echoed through the room. He nearly dropped the blond boy upon seeing Severus carrying a sack and dropping it to the floor. A black dog crawled out.

"You have five minutes to explain," Severus said, crossing his arms.

Lucius stared at the man. "Sev, you do realize you're talking to a dog, right?"

"No he isn't," Remus said, slowly standing. Padfoot turned, his tongue lolling to the side. He hobbled over before transforming into Sirius.

"Remus, you have to help me. Snape is on a war path."

"I said explain, Black," Severus said, glaring.

"Explain what? How the world works? Because I still can't figure it out."

"Stop goofing off. What happened that night at Godric's Hollow?"

"It was all my fault," Sirius said, turning to his friend. "I thought that if Pettigrew were the Secret Keeper, we could keep them safe. Then, instead of taking Harry, I ran off after the rat. He set me up. You have to believe me, Moony."

"Ah, Moony," Severus nodded, "that's the one I forgot."

"Black," Lucius said slowly, setting down his son and placing his body in-between the convict and the boy. "How the hell are you out of Azkaban?"

"I…I don't…don't entirely know myself," Sirius explained. "Snivellus showed up, cast some weird spell, forced me into my animagus form, and…well, and then I was here." He scanned the room. "Where is here?"

"We have a lot more to go over before we explain any of the recent events," Remus said, shaking his head. "What happened when you approached Peter?"

"He started yelling, which made no sense. He was the traitor, not me. Then, I pulled out my wand, but before I could say a word, he threw a spell behind him that blew up the street. As the dust settled, he cut off his finger and turned into Wormtail," Sirius said, covering his

"So, we have an escaped murderer and follower of the Dark Lord running amok?" Lucius asked, holding his son closer to him.

"Apparently," Severus said. "Lucius, we need to be more careful. You should not roam muggle London until we've found Pettigrew."

"Why can't he?" Remus asked.

"Who do you think is going to be the spy for the order when the dark lord comes back into power?"

Sirius growled. "Spy? Yeah, right. You're nothing but a dirty, little muggle-hater. You couldn't care less about the Order or the downfall of Voldemort."

"Padfoot, stop," Remus said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "He's the only reason your godson's alive."

"What?"

"We have a lot to catch you up on." The lycanthrope sat his friend down. "But first, I believe food and a nice bath are in order."


	6. Chapter 6

Remus and Sirius stood in the corner, smirking. Of all the possibilities, no one even considered what Severus now was. The arctic fox was almost a given for Lucius—even the coloring was not surprise. The man was crafty and sneaky. It would do him well later on when he needed to take up his position as spy.

The lycanthrope covered his mouth to hide a giggle. "I have to say, Severus. This suits you."

Lucius popped back into human form. "Does this mean he was in the wrong house?"

"No," Sirius said, shaking his head. "You're confusing name and animal."

The sleek, black raven cocked his head. He cawed and then turned back into human form.

"Shut up, all of you," Severus said, crossing his arms.

"You know," Remus quirked a brow, "that the raven is a symbiotic friend of wolves, correct?"

"I said shut up. That doesn't sound like shutting up."

To avoid the wrath of Snape, Sirius walked over to the dining room table and picked up the newest issue of The Daily Prophet.

"I'm just surprised it only took you a month. Took us marauders three."

Remus hit Sirius upside the head. "It took the entirety of fourth year."

The man ignored his friend and scanned the headlines. It had been a month, and yet nothing was said about his escape.

"I don't know what this says about our justice system, but don't you think the dementors would miss me?"

"Didn't you spend most of your time as a grim?" Lucius asked, staring at his fingernails. "Dementors can't sense animal spirits. They probably never noticed you in the first place."

"I couldn't spend the entire time as an animagus," Sirius said, sitting down next to his friend. "The dementors should have figured out by now they're missing somebody."

Remus's eyes scanned the two Slytherins. "What did you do?"

Severus shrugged. "Two days after the full moon, Harry and I were walking down to the park. Came across a man that was very interested in the boy. Looked into him. He has a bad tendency of getting close to little boys who suddenly disappear." The man sat, folding his hands. "He was already grooming the boy. Didn't care to see Harry disappear on us. It was easy enough with Lucius's help to glamour him into a Black-effigy."

"Severus!"

"He was child molester. He deserved it."

Sirius giggled. "Does that mean you don't think I deserved it?"

"Shut up, Black. You still are confined to this house."

"Yes," Lucius said with a smile. "Two Sirius Blacks are not a good idea." He leaned against the door jam. "Cissy wants her favorite cousin over for dinner."

"We can't resurrect Regulus," the Black heir said, leaning his head on his hand.

"She meant you, dimwit."

"Never knew she cared."

"Well," Remus said, trying to avoid a yawn. "Considering her son spends quite a bit of time here with Harry, I believe she wants to make sure you're safe."

"Draco spends a lot of time here?" Sirius asked.

"You've been here a month. In that time, how many times has the Malfoy heir been here?"

"Practically every day, but I thought that was a special occasion."

Severus furrowed his brow. "And what occasion would that be?"

"Why, my release of course." The animagus smiled broadly. "I'm kidding. However, I thought he was just along for the animagus ride."

"No," Remus shook his head, "that is a regular occurrence."

"Especially with the school year beginning," Lucius said, smiling.

"Why's that?" Severus asked. "I now have two sets of eyes on Harry. That should be enough to keep him safe."

"But I have procured a tutor for Draco."

"Who in the world did you convince to tutor your three-year-old?"

Remus yawned. "That would be me. I've already picked out curriculums."

"How did you convince Malfoy to let you teach his son?" Sirius asked, eyes narrowing.

"I was already planning on homeschooling Harry. Lucius walked in on me comparing curriculum. He thought it was an excellent idea."

"And to start young," Lucius said. "My son is a genius, but it's always a good idea to begin education as early as possible."

Sirius threw his hands in the air. "Why are we torturing three-year-olds?"

"School is not torture, Black," Severus said, glaring.

"Sirius," Remus crossed his arms, "the only reason you didn't like school is because you couldn't sit still that long."

"And the books. Don't forget the books," Sirius said, eyes widening in horror.

"What about the books?" Severus asked.

"I had to read them."

The doorbell rang. Sirius jumped up and ran to the door. He opened it.

Petunia's eyes widened. "Snape!" she called out. "Why are you acquiring more men? Is this becoming a male brothel?"

"Do they have those?" the grim asked, smirking.

Lucius rolled his eyes. "I hope not." He smiled. "Petunia, dear, I'd like you to meet Sirius Black, Harry's godfather."

"Where's he been the past year-and-a-half?" the woman asked, trying to ignore the child pushing his way toward his Uncle Sev.

"Azkaban."

Her eyes widened. "What the hell game are you trying to play, Snape? First you bring a werewolf to our neighborhood…"

Remus glared at Severus. "You told her?"

"Well it's only fair. People deserve to know who their neighbors are." The potions master crossed his arms. "And who's she going to tell? The moment she says a word, she's in an insane asylum strapped in a straight jacket."

"Now you invite a wizard convict to live ten meters away from my nephew," Petunia continued.

"Like you care."

"Fine, ten meters from my Dudderkins."

Lucius leaned on the door frame. "Are Vernon and I still on for golf next Saturday?"

The woman rolled her eyes. "Here. Take the brat."

"You know the rules, Tuney," Severus stood and walked over to the door, "no daycare the day before, the day of, or the day after a full moon."

"Marge is coming. Would you rather him here or at my house?"

The potions master tilted his head, shoulders sagging. After a minute of silence, he turned to Remus. "Lupin, go to your room."

"I'm not a child." The werewolf glared. "I don't get time-outs."

"It's for Harry's safety."

"It's after the full moon. I have no energy to stand, let alone maul him to death."

Lucius turned to his friend. "To be fair, Draco is here every day of the month, no matter what. Do you honestly care more about the Potter boy more than your own godson?"

"Uncle Sev," Harry cried out, arms outstretched. He whimpered.

Severus sighed. He made his way through the tiny crowd of people to pick up the boy. "Hello, imp." He looked back at Petunia. "Fine."

She smirked and left, almost skipping down the sidewalk. The group of men stared after her in silence. Finally, someone began humming.

"Ding, dong, the witch is dead. The wicked witch, the wicked witch. Ding, dong the wicked witch is…"

"Lupin, shut up or I will personally see to adding a high dose tranquilizer to next month's potion," Severus said, glaring at the lycanthrope.

Remus shrugged. "That might actually help," he said, closing the door. He, Lucius, and Severus made for the dining room. "You hungry, little one?"

"Yes, Uncle Remus," Harry said, snuggling into Severus.

"Thought so," the werewolf said, ruffling his hair. He glanced over his shoulder. "Coming, Padfoot?" After a moment of silence, he stopped and turned. "Padfoot?"

The animagus stood at the door, arms crossed and bottom lip puffed out. Lucius stopped and leaned against the door jam to the kitchen, excited to see a good row…he meant show. "Black? Is everything okay?"

Severus didn't bother to turn around. He paused momentarily at the door and looked over at Remus. The lycanthrope rolled his eyes.

"Severus, go ahead and feed Harry. This could be awhile."

"Let me know if Black needs to be put down. I know several poisons that could help," the potions master said, smirking.

"It's just a temper tantrum. Would you give Harry those poisons if he stomped his foot because he couldn't have a fourth biscuit before dinner?"

Lucius stifled a laugh. "Last time that happened, you just gave it to him."

"I'm sorry I don't have the emotional range of a teaspoon. He was crying."

"Enough," Severus said, using his free hand to rub his eyes. "Black is an adult and Harry is a child. I can't very well put the man in a time out to think about what he's done."

"But that's the only way he'll learn."

"Why are you all talking like I'm not in the room?" Sirius yelled, stomping his foot and pounding his fists on the front door.

"You take this tantrum, Lupin, and I'll take the next three with Harry," Severus said, walking into the dining room and letting the door swing shut behind him.

Remus took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes. His hand flew up just in time to grab Sirius's shoulder before he could burst into the kitchen.

"Padfoot, no," the lycanthrope started. He glared over at the blond who refused to move. "Would you mind giving us some privacy?"

"Hell, no. I figure this is prime learning time. If you haven't forgotten, I'm married to a Black and have a half-Black child. I need to know how to deal with them."

At that moment, a wail echoed through the house. Lucius sighed.

"I do believe," Remus said, hiding a smirk, "your genius has encountered another door. Would you go and help him through this trauma so I can deal with the overgrown toddler before us?"

The blond sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine." He turned and walked toward the stairs. "Draco, it's just a door. It's not going to hurt you." The man disappeared behind a wall, allowing the last two marauders privacy.

"Is my cousin seriously afraid of doors?" Sirius asked, momentarily distracted.

"He just hates not knowing how to work something. It'll be fine once I work on hand-eye coordination with the two of them." The lycanthrope scowled. "Now, don't redirect our conversation. What the hell was that stupid fit you just threw?"

The animagus glared. "The hell if I know." He turned toward the window, ignoring his friend's concerned gaze.

"Seriously?" Remus furrowed his brow. He placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "You have no clue why you were so upset?"

"No." Sirius shrugged off the offending appendage and rubbed his hands together. "Now what's this I hear about biscuits?" He walked over toward the kitchen.

Remus grabbed him. "Oh, no you don't."

Silver eyes dimmed. "Why the hell not?"

"Padfoot, you nearly strangled Severus a few moments ago. Why?"

"That's our thing." The animagus waved flippantly. "He says something pretentious. I try to kill him. It's all in good fun."

"That's not what I call 'good fun.'"

"I can't help what you call it."

"Padfoot," Remus sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Think. What happened to make you start getting mad?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, but leaned against the wall and looked off for a moment. He bit his lip. "I guess when Harry started crying for Snivellous."

"Alright, rule number one. What was it again?"

The animagus sighed. "Don't call him Snivellous."

"Good boy," Remus said, patting his friend on the head. "And how did it make you feel when Harry wanted Severus?"

"Angry."

"Why?"

"I don't know." Sirius scrubbed his face. "I guess I just thought that with my being out of Azkaban, Prongslet would automatically prefer me over the ol' dungeon bat."

"What did you expect?"

"The point is, it's not fair that Harry likes Snape more than me."

Remus sighed. "Sirius, may I be frank for a moment?"

"But you're Moony. Frank's in St. Mungo's."

"You know what I mean."

"Fine." Sirius smiled. "Yes, you may."

"You were there for Harry during the first year of his life. Then, you went after a rat and destroyed your chances of freedom. You're lucky Luci, Sev, and I figured out what happened and helped you escape." The lycanthrope paused, searching the ceiling for the right words. "Most children are incapable of creating memories until they're three or four. In extreme cases—like trauma—they can begin at two, but not any earlier. Harry's earliest memories were of Severus taking care of him. He took Prongslet out of a terrible situation and ensured that things would get better."

"But I would've done that if I could've." Sirius scowled. "And how is it fair that I spent a full year with Harry when Snape's only really been around for six months?"

"Technically in Harry's mind, you've only been around for a month," Remus pointed out, smirking as his friend's mouth dropped. "And even during the school year last year, Sev came by fairly often, if Tuney's nagging complaints are anything to go by."

"So, now we're here, he won't have a reason to come around as much and Harry'll like me more?" Sirius asked, perking up.

"Let's think about it a different way…" The lycanthrope sat his friend down on the couch. "First, Severus has even more reason to come around regularly now that we're here."

"Why?"

"He and I are working on an experiment together? He's now an animagus that can make observations concerning werewolves under a full moon? His greatest nemesis will now be living in his house for nine months out of the year fairly unsupervised? You take your pick."

"You're here to supervise me."

"Yes, because you listen to what I say so well." Remus rolled his eyes. "Second, it's not fair to Harry to destroy his image of Severus. He idolizes the man…practically sees him as a second father. The boy is not in any place emotionally to have someone come in and tear his hero down."

Sirius sighed. "I guess you're right." His brow furrowed. "Do you have a third reason?"

"Yes," the lycanthrope said, smirking. "It wouldn't be fair to Severus to take away the one thing that has made him a decent human being."

"Yeah, right," the animagus scoffed. "Snape's a regular old Mother Theresa."

"No, listen. With something to love and that loves him, he's become decent. He's nothing like the man who turned tail to the death eaters." Remus searched conspiratorially around the room before whispering, "In fact, he dotes on Prongslet."

"No."

"He does. Come see."

The two men snuck over to the door and propped it open a smidge. On the other side, Severus sat next to Harry, offering him another biscuit. While the boy happily nibbled on the treat, Severus told him a story of the great maiden and the okay knight.

"The maiden's red hair glowed in the sun as she used her magic to take back her book from the knight. You see, even though he had glasses, he never seemed to care for reading. You shouldn't take that to mean reading's bad, though, Harry. Instead, the knight ended up okay enough for the maiden in spite of his lack of good sense," Severus said, handing Harry another biscuit.

"Is he telling Harry the story of Lily and James?" Sirius asked, moving away from the door.

"Yes," Remus answered, crossing his arms. "He's not exactly fair with James, but he's better than you would think." He rubbed his eyes. "He's trying. He cares about Harry enough to put aside his differences with us. Shouldn't we try and do the same for him?"

The animagus snorted. "Are you giving me any choice?"

"No, but I like to make it sound like I did."

"Prat," Sirius muttered, walking through to the kitchen. He smiled at Harry, who waved at him.

"Coming to join us, Black?" Severus asked, glaring at the man suspiciously.

"I came to hear the story of the maiden and the okay knight. I heard he had a deviously handsome best friend."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hello all! So sorry for the lack of updates! I now have a full-time job teaching at a cyber school, and marauderfascination has been working through her junior year of high school! Here is three chapters to make up for it! In honor of my 24th birthday, here is Chapters 7, 8, and 9. As always, we do not own Harry Potter nor make money off it.

"Uncle Sev!" Harry cried out, holding out his arms to the dour man.

"Harry Potter," Severus bent down to get eye level with him. "Tell me, have you been a good boy this year?" Harry nodded. The potions master smirked and lifted him high. "Very good. I had hoped Saint Nicholas would make a stop at my home tomorrow night!"

Green eyes sparkled as the professor dropped into his lay-z-boy and settled the toddler on his lap. He had just gotten back from a trying semester at Hogwarts, and was looking for a little R & R at home.

"Snape's back!" Sirius called out, turning into Padfoot and jumping on the man's lap.

"Black!" Severus yelped, protecting Harry from the heavy grim.

"Sirius, don't you dare hurt Harry!" Remus called out, running and grabbing the animagus. Padfoot turned back into a man.

"Aw, Moony, you're no fun."

"The three of you better behave," Narcissa called, coming in from the kitchen. "I made a lovely feast and I don't want it to go to waste because I had to send you all to your room without supper."

"You made the food?" Severus asked, brow quirked.

"I made it, the house elf made it…potato, po-tah-to."

"No, Cissa, those are very different things."

Sirius licked his lips. "It does smell good, though."

"We still have a while, according to Dobby," Lucius said, carrying in Draco. "How was your week, Sev?"

"Don't ask," the man grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"That bad?"

"I would like a full report on what's been going on here, rather than focus on my impending sense of doom for the future of our society," Severus said, graciously taking the proffered tumbler of whiskey.

"Come on, my fine feathery friend, they can't be as bad as we were," Sirius said, smirking.

"You were," Remus corrected, sipping his own drink. "I do recall keeping a stockpile of apology notes pre-formatted with your signature."

"James's pile was bigger and you know it."

"Sadly enough," Severus shook his head, "I believe the marauders would have to bow their heads in shame. This new generation surpasses their idiocy."

"And that's without the map!" Sirius gawked.

"What map?"

Sirius blinked. "Did someone say something about a map?"

"You said something about a map."

"I'm sure I didn't. I said nap."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm fairly certain he said nap."

"Does this have something to do with those legal documents you had to sign, Lupin?" Lucius asked.

"I cannot disclose whether it does or does not."

"Enough," Severus said, rubbing his brow. "Can I have an update, please?"

"Well, Petunia tried to force Harry to start doing the lawn work by himself," Remus said, sighing.

"He's three!"

"That's what I said. It started a fight. The neighbors came. They took bets."

"A physical fight?"

"Well, I didn't have my wand and she called me a mangy mutt."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Were the police called?"

"No, thankfully Lucius broke it up."

"Not because I didn't want to see Petunia get her full due," Lucius clarified, setting down his drink. "I just knew Black was threatening to come out and add to the betting pool."

Narcissa smiled as she sipped her tea. "To get back at her, I distracted her with a cooking question while Sirius rolled in the mud. He then broke into her house and ran the entire layout shaking. It took him a couple of trips, but the house was completely covered in mud."

"So, Petunia declared she would ban all dogs in the development," Remus continued, stirring his tea.

"She can't do that," Severus said, scowling.

"She can if she's HOA president."

"She's the HOA president?"

"No," Lucius said, shaking his head. "She ran for HOA president.

"Who did she run against?" Severus asked, cuddling Harry in closer.

"Originally, she was unopposed."

"Which was unacceptable," Sirius said, glaring. "That's how tyranny starts."

"So…" Severus scanned the room. "I'm almost afraid to ask. Who is the new HOA president?"

"I am," Narcissa said, smiling brightly.

"Narcissa," Severus said slowly, "you don't live here."

"They don't know that."

"And truthfully, I think they're a bit relieved seeing a woman around after seeing two bachelors move in with their pet dog and blonde-haired child," Lucius said, smirking.

"So, who are you in this scenario?" Severus asked, brow quirked.

"I want to say the nanny, but…"

"Well, that sounds eventful."

"That reminds me," Narcissa said, pulling out some parchment, "next week is the next meeting."

"Oh, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Then…" Severus's eyes narrowed. "Why are we having a meeting?"

"They're semi-monthly."

Lucius rolled his eyes. "They're more tedious and worthless than the meeting of the lords."

"And here, everyone's expected to bring a beverage or a dessert to share," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Honestly, that might make the meeting of the lords more interesting."

"And then you can play a game of Cluedo to try and figure out why someone dropped dead," Remus said, smirking into his tea.

"Cluedo?" Draco asked, head jerking around.

"No, Draco, no more Cluedo."

"You've been playing Cluedo with him?" Severus asked, brow furrowing.

"With both of them, actually. Draco's quite good at deductive reasoning."

"Meanwhile, Harry likes playing house with the little pieces," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "Do you know how many times I've had to attend a wedding between Professor Plum and Miss Scarlett?"

"Meanwhile, Colonel Mustard was trying to prove Miss Scarlett did in fact have the candelabra," Remus added.

"Oh, so she was the killer?" Severus asked.

"No, Harry seriously thinks that candles can marry people. Do you know how hard it is to play a game of Cluedo when a weapon goes missing continuously?"

"And that is why it's for ages eight and older."

"We're all 8 and older," Remus said, eyes sparkling.

"No," Sirius shook his head, "the last time the marauders played Cluedo, James ended up with a knife to the arm, Pettigrew had to be revived, and Lily swore off mustard."

"Lily swore off mustard?" Severus asked, brow furrowed.

"You're worried about the mustard?" Narcissa asked, mouth dropping. "Potter had a knife in his arm."

"You probably shouldn't have revived Pettigrew," Lucius said, cleaning his fingernails. "It would have saved you a lot of trouble."

Sirius put his hands on his hips. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to be a murderer!"

"Ironically," Remus said, head tilted.

"Why did Lily swear off mustard?" Severus asked. "It was her favorite condiment."

"She had a favorite condiment?" Narcissa asked, brow quirked.

"Yes, honey mustard."

"How do you know that?"

"She was my friend."

"Remus is my best friend," Sirius said, "for a very long time. Longer than you and Lily. I still don't know what his favorite condiment is."

"But he does know my favorite brand of underwear," Remus said, reclining on the couch.

"That is a statement that needs further explanation," Lucius said, eyes widening.

"Well, after a certain number of times replacing it, you learn their preferences," Sirius said shrugging.

"Context?" Narcissa asked, mouth dropping in horror.

"Well, on cold nights, would you rather be butt-naked or wearing underwear?"

"Sirius," Remus moaned, rubbing his head. "You're not doing a very good job explaining this. There's going to be rumors."

"During the full moon," Sirius huffed, arms crossed. "Get all of your minds out of the gutter. When it's the night of the full moon, Moony strips down to his underwear before he transforms, so he doesn't have to replace his entire wardrobe. However, when he used to go full on starkers, he'd catch a cold. He started wearing underwear, and that helped, but it also led to him needing more underwear. I would go and buy some at a convenience store down the way. You learn a lot about a man when you buy him underwear."

"Padfoot!"

"Is that where all your allowance money went?" Narcissa asked, scowling.

"Cissy!" Sirius smirked. "How expensive do you think underwear is?"

"You did have to buy it every month."

"One pair. One pair per month."

"That's one to two packs a year," Severus said, smirking.

"Plus, sometimes, he doesn't even wear underwear…"

"Sirius!" Remus flushed.

"So, we only had to buy them when he ran out."

"On that delightful topic," Lucius said, "I believe we can begin dinner."

They ate their fill and retired back into the living room; the toddlers both having been put to bed. Remus jumped to his feet and walked over to the cupboard under the stairs, pulling out a box of Cluedo.

"Who will be whom?" he said, setting up the board.

"Who is there?" Narcissa asked, taking a seat at the board.

"And how does one play?" Lucius added, straining his neck for a better view.

"Well," Remus started, holding out a set of cards, face down, to Severus. "Each card contains either a person, an object, or a room: six people, six objects, and nine rooms. What Severus is kindly doing right now is picking a card from each category at random, without any of us knowing which one it is." He held up a tiny manila folder. "I will put these three cards in this folder. This is our perpetrator, our murder weapon, and the crime scene."

"From there," Severus said, rolling his eyes as he took a seat, "we mix the cards together and dole them out equally between the six of us. We receive a paper with a list of all the possible options, and we cross out the cards we have. We then must figure out who killed Dr. Black."

"Sirius," Lucius piqued a brow, "I didn't know any Black obtained a higher degree, nor that they were murdered."

"They didn't and they weren't," Sirius said, huffing as he picked up Mrs. White. "Well, several Blacks were probably murdered, but none of them ever went into anything similar to healing. It just happens to be the name of the character in the game."

"Oh," Lucius said, nodding. "Okay." He picked up a yellow man. "Who is this?"

"Colonel Mustard."

"Is that why Lily didn't like mustard?" Narcissa asked, holding a scantily dressed character.

"Yes," Sirius said, "that time, Colonel Mustard did it with the knife in the kitchen. He stabbed James."

"Who was Colonel Mustard?"

"I was," Sirius said, raising his hand.

"You stabbed your supposed best friend?" Severus asked, brow furrowed.

"I didn't realize that you don't actually reenact the crime."

"What was wrong with Pettigrew?" Lucius asked, placing Colonel Mustard on the yellow start square.

"He passed out from lack of oxygen."

"You choked him?"

"No, he was laughing too hard."

Lucius shook his head. "You really need to learn to give more detail from the beginning."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You have no idea." He picked up Mr. Green. "Okay, so it appears Severus has chosen Professor Plum, Lucius has become Colonel Mustard—realize if you're the murderer, you should refrain from killing anyone, please—I am Mr. Green, and Narcissa is currently holding both Mrs. Peacock and Miss Scarlett…"

"Wait!" Lucius said, eyes widening. "You didn't say her name was Peacock."

"No, Lucius," Severus said scowling.

"But it's been my dream since I was young."

"To what? Be a woman?"

"No, to collect all the peacocks in the world."

"Because that is so much better."

"Or more possible," Narcissa said under her breath. "Why do you think we own 120 peacocks?"

"130 thank you very much," Lucius said.

"When did you buy more?"

"Right," Lucius slammed his forehead, "I wasn't telling you about those."

"Did you name them all?" Sirius asked, brow quirked.

"How did you not notice ten more birds?" Remus asked Narcissa.

The woman sighed. "After fifty, it just looks like a great sea of birds."

"Where do you keep these birds?"

"In an expanded room in the manor."

"And what do you feed them?"

"The house elves feed them. I don't know what."

"So, they could be using parts of other elves?"

Narcissa shrugged. "It's a good way to recycle."

"Are we playing Cluedo or not?" Severus asked, readjusting his little figurine.

"Okay," Remus turned to his friend. "It appears Sirius is playing Mrs. White. That's not ironic at all."

"Let's just start the game, Moons."

"If a figure isn't in play," Narcissa started, staring at the two women, "what do you do with it?"

"I guess we could use it as the dead body," Remus said, shrugging. Narcissa flung Mrs. Peacock at the man.

"I'll be Miss Scarlett."

"And the game begins…"

"Let's have it so that the three of us who know what we're doing go first," Severus said, brow quirked.

"There's three who know how to play?" Remus asked.

"You, me, and Black."

"Sirius doesn't know how to play! He nearly killed James."

"That just shows he misunderstood the end goal, not that he doesn't know how to play."

"And this was four years ago. Do you remember the rules of the games you learned to play four years ago?"

"You mean torture the muggles?" Severus asked, brow quirked. "It's a hard game to forget."

"And hopefully one you never play again."

Sirius cocked his head. "How does one even play torture the muggles?"

"After a while, you get bored with the basic directions of the dark lord, so to spice things up, we created a point system," Lucius explained.

Remus shook his head and rolled the die. "Not going to ask."

"We left werewolves alone."

"I didn't ask."

"I think I could convince a number of death eaters to back you if you're still interested in that coup."

"What coup?" Sirius asked, turning to his friend. "Are you starting a coup without me?"

"The coup de lycanthrope is solely by membership only," Remus said.

Narcissa scrunched her nose. "What are the requirements?"

"That you become a werewolf."

"I've offered to let you bite me several times," Sirius said, pouting.

Severus rubbed his forehead. "Again, context?"

"Each time was during a fight. And you didn't offer to let me bite you, you told me to bite you," Remus said, scowling.

Sirius shrugged. "Potato, pohtahto."

"No, Sirius, they imply very different things," Narcissa said, sighing. "Or did you miss Auntie Black's little talk?"

"Wait, what talk?" Remus asked, brow quirked.

"Are you implying you were all together for the talk?" Severus asked, moving his piece.

"It was a sort of once-and-done issue. They didn't want to do it multiple times." Sirius shrugged. "I was called up for a demonstration."

"For what?" Remus asked, mouth agape.

"Ballroom dancing." Sirius frowned. "What else would it be?"

The three other men turned to Narcissa. She shrugged. "They wanted to cover the talk and etiquette all at the same time. It was a very confusing weekend."

Severus, sighing, placing his character in the ballroom. "So, I am going to move on from this eye-opening discussion and say that it was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candelabra."

"Why would I kill Mrs. Peacock in the library?" Lucius asked.

"I don't know. Maybe you had a study date with her?"

"Why would she be studying? Why would I be studying?"

"I don't know, Lucius. Maybe you're having a secret affair."

"He's what?" Narcissa asked.

"Guys, it's just a game," Remus said, sighing.

Sirius shook his head. "It's not the Colonel."

"How would you know?" Narcissa asked. "It's the perfect motive." She turned back to Lucius. "How could you do this? You're tearing our family apart!"

"Narcissa, I've never slept with anyone, I swear!" Lucius said.

"Wait," Remus shook his head, "how was Draco conceived?"

"Other than my wife."

"And it's not Mustard," Sirius said, glaring. "I know because I have the card here."

Severus groaned. "Black, shut up."

"No, I really do."

"I'm sure you do. And now everyone knows you have that card."

"Is that a problem?" Sirius asked, brows rising. "I thought the point was to eliminate possible suspects."

"And if we do it your way," Remus sighed, "the game will be a lot shorter." He rubbed his eyes. "Padfoot, the point is that you want to have the upper-hand in knowing what could possibly be in the folder. Letting everyone know you have that card does not help."

"So, basically Black, for once in your life, you need to be a Slytherin," Severus said, smirking.

"I can be a Slytherin if I want," Sirius replied, glaring at his cards.

"Prove it."

"How, by getting matching tattoos like you and Lucy?"

"Sirius!" Narcissa gaped, smacking him upside the head. "Behave! You know better than to bring that up."

"Part of that etiquette course?" Remus asked, brow quirked. "I sort of wish I had been there. I feel like I would have had a much better understanding of Sirius's mind if I had."

"I don't think even Sirius has an understanding of his own mind."

Lucius rolled his eyes and the die. "I rolled a ten. Where can I go?"

"The hall," Remus answered, scowling at the board, "or almost to the billiard room."

"I'm going to the hall and I'm going to say Miss Scarlett in the hall with the knife."

"Why would I be in the hall with a knife?" Narcissa asked, pouting.

"It doesn't matter why," Remus said, huffing in exasperation. "There's no motive card."

Severus cocked his head. "There probably should be." He picked up the dice and passed it to Sirius. "You can't just assume they're all murderous maniacs."

"Why not?" Sirius asked, studying the dice.

"What's the possibility of six psychopathic killers all in the same house?"

"During a death eater meeting? High."

"So, wait," Lucius said, brow furrowed, "does anyone have a card that proves me wrong?"

Severus nodded and slyly slid the card over to Lucius. The blond glimpsed at the card, nodded back, and gave back the card.

"My turn," Sirius said. "I got a seven. I can't go in anywhere."

"Thank Merlin for small miracles," Remus said, rolling. "Well, I'm in the same situation as Padfoot."

"Which makes it my turn." Severus grabbed the dice and rolled. "Nine. I'm going to the study and saying it's Mrs. White with the revolver in the study."

"Hey! Why do you think it's me?" Sirius asked, scowling.

"Two words for you Black: Shrieking Shack. I know you're capable of it."

"Oh, will you ever get over that? I was an idiotic teenager."

"At least there's one thing we can agree on." Severus whipped his attention over to the rest of the group. "Can anyone prove me wrong?"

Lucius shifted uneasily before sliding a card over to his friend. Severus grabbed the card, noted the answer on his paper, and gave back the card.

Narcissa rolled, ignoring the conversation. "I rolled a ten and can go to the lounge, dining room, or the library." She cocked her head. "I'm feeling hungry anyway. I might as well go to the dining room."

Remus held his head in his hands. "Guys, this is not real-life. Besides, we just had dinner."

"Well, I'm hungry again." The blonde crossed her arms. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"It's just weird that you're hungry." The lycanthrope held up his hands in surrender. "I mean, I'm a werewolf with an insane metabolism and I still am stuffed from dinner."

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"Did those words come from my mouth?"

"What?" Sirius scoffed, trying to ease the tension. "Are you pregnant?"

Narcissa huffed. "As a matter of fact, I am."

"Wait, what?"

Severus glanced over at Lucius, who was struggling to keep from laughing. "How long have you known?"

"She's my wife. How long do you think?" the blond man asked, brow quirked.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"She wanted to make sure she made it past the first trimester." Lucius shrugged. "Besides, we thought it would be a lovely Christmas surprise."

"But I thought she only agreed to one, to fulfill the marriage contract."

"That was back when he was a death eater," Narcissa explained.

"Technically," Sirius said, scowling, "he still is."

"He's changed allegiances. Now, I know I can find refuge with the Order if things get bad. Before, hiding two children from the dark lord when my husband truly was on his side would have been madness." She sighed. "Now, I think it's Mr. Green in the dining hall with the rope."

"Your accusation wouldn't possibly be payback for my comments earlier, would they?" Remus asked as he moved his character.

"Why don't you take a guess?"

"While I don't love a good row, I would have to say, my love, that you are absolutely wrong," Lucius said.

"Do you have proof?" she asked, glaring. He shifted to show her a card. "Hmpf."

"Now, if I may have the dice?"

Narcissa threw the dice at him, and he winced as one connected with him. He picked them up and rolled.

"Six. I can go absolutely nowhere," Lucius announced, sighing.

"Well, while I could roll," Sirius quirked a brow, "I would like to take this lovely little passageway…"

"You and your passageways," Remus said, shaking his head.

"I'm taking this passage way to the kitchen and saying it's Miss Scarlet in the kitchen with the muggle killing curse."

"Wait," Lucius's eyes narrowed, "they have one of those?"

"It's called a revolver," Severus said, rubbing his eyes. "And it's not always effective."

"Whatever," Sirius said, waving his hand in the air. "Can anyone prove me wrong?" He looked over at his best friend. "Remmy?"

Each of the others playing shook their heads.

"Alright," Sirius said, grabbing the manila envelope. "I'll look in the little folder thingy."

He pulled out the cards and smirked, laying them out for all to see. "Would you look at that!"

The four others eyes wide.

"How did he do that?" Lucius asked, mouth bobbing.

"Does he have the Sight?" Narcissa asked.

Remus shook his head. "He failed divination."

"Guys," Sirius smirked, "it's all very simple. It's not any of the cards I have, and it wasn't Narcissa's guess. When Snape said it was me in the study with the revolver, I knew they didn't show the study, and he marked it too far up to be a weapon. When Lucy said Scarlett in the hall, I knew it couldn't be the hall and he marked lower than the character." He shrugged. "The kitchen was just the easiest place to get to."

"But you had no idea what Remus had," Narcissa said, throwing her hands in the air.

"Yes, I did. I could see his cards."

"Padfoot!" Remus gasped.

"What I can't understand is what Cissa was doing in the kitchen," Lucius said, shaking his head. "I don't think she even knows where ours is."

"To be fair, you have over one hundred rooms," Severus said, shaking his head.

"Yes, but only one of them is a kitchen."

"Well, obviously…" Sirius grinned mischievously. "She caught Mrs. Peacock having an affair with her husband, decided to confront her while she got the wine for her study date, and in the heat of the moment, she grabbed the muggle…revolver…and killed her husband's mistress."

Narcissa turned to glare at Lucius. "You're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Couldn't I just sleep in another bedroom?"


	8. Chapter 8

"Snape!" Sirius bellowed, pulling a half-awake Remus down the stairs. "Snape! Come quickly!"

"What?" Severus emerged from his room, eyes wide and fully alert. "What's wrong? Is someone trying to invade? Is Harry hurt?"

"No."

"Sirius Orion Black, let me go!" Remus jerked his arm out of Sirius's grasp. He turned to the potion master. "He's just excited that it's Christmas."

The animagus opened the door to the tot's room. "Let's wake up Harry and start opening presents."

"Black, why are you acting like a child?" Severus asked, running his fingers through his hair.

"Because he is one," Remus replied, glaring. "Haven't you figured that out yet?"

"I do not have the patience for this."

"Neither do I."

"Then why are you still friends with him?"

The lycanthrope shrugged. "He grows on you."

"Black," Severus sighed. "Why do we have to be up so early? Don't you recall that your wonderful cousin—the HOA president—scheduled a lovely meeting for tonight? I need my sleep to put up with Tuney and the sheer bureaucracy of the homeowner's association."

"But I want to see Harry open up all his presents," Sirius said, carrying the grumpy three-year-old on his hip. "Don't worry, Moony. I didn't forget about you, either."

Severus shook his head and descended into the living room. He came to the Christmas tree and yelped. "Black, you are a convict on the run. How were you able to get so many presents?" He stared in awe at the mound of gifts that dwarfed the actual tree.

"I am the sole heir of the Black family fortune, a fortune that includes multiple highly successful investments that continue to make money. I could spend my entire life buying things and my vault would not even look touched."

"And how were you able to get it all here?"

"Owl order has become very popular."

The potion master sighed and walked over to his liquor cabinet. He grabbed a decanter and some firewhiskey. "Killing him would end me up in Azkaban. Killing him would end me up in Azkaban."

Remus opened his mouth, about to remind Severus that technically, no one would know if Sirius were murdered by a sleep-deprived Hogwarts professor, but shut it very quickly. As much as he hated waking up early, he would not deprive his pseudo-nephew of his godfather.

"Come on, Snape! I have gifts for you, too!" Sirius called out over his shoulder.

"I'm scared," Remus whispered, looking between his two friends.

"If something jumps out at me, I cannot be held responsible for the events that follow," Severus said, refilling his tumbler.

"Fair enough."

They all sat down around the fireplace. Moments later, Narcissa popped through, a bouncing Draco on her hip.

"Lucius will be here in a moment. He's shrinking the Christmas tree and presents to bring them over here to open," she said, gracefully sitting down next to her cousin.

"But we have a Christmas tree," Remus said, motioning to Mount Gift-more.

"Yes, but we have a better one."

Lucius appeared in the flames, dusting himself off before pulling out a box from his pocket. "Is everyone ready for Yuletide cheer?"

"If that's the name of a mixed drink, then yes," Severus said, rubbing his head.

Lucius unshrunk the Malfoy Christmas tree, along with the mound of presents that rivaled Mount Gift-more.

The lycanthrope surveyed the scene. "We only have half a living room now."

"It's going to take us hours to unwrap all of these," Severus added, shaking his head in dismay.

"Should we wait for Vernon and Dudley, or…?" Narcissa asked, glancing around.

"Why would they be here?"

"I invited them."

Remus and Severus stared at each other for a moment. "I think we need to set some boundaries," the lycanthrope said to his friend. The potion master nodded.

"Vernon commented that Petunia's been in a sour mood lately," Lucius explained, setting up the Malfoy stockings next to Sirius's. "We offered here as an escape."

"On Christmas?" Severus asked, brow furrowed. "And my house?"

"We were sure you wouldn't mind. Harry's over here anyway."

"Harry and the Dursleys are two very different groups of people."

"Who knew Snape would prefer a Potter over an Evans?" Sirius asked, smirking.

"Shut that muzzle, mutt, before I shut it for you," Severus warned, eyes narrowing.

"Shouldn't we let the boys open their stockings?" Narcissa asked.

"If we want to have these open before the new year, we better do it quickly," Remus said, rubbing his head. "It's times like these I'm actually glad I came from a lower-middle class family."

"At least you got to call yourself 'middle' class," Severus said, smirking.

"Are we really going to talk about classism right now?" Lucius asked, taking the boys' stockings down and placing them in front of the toddlers.

Harry looked back up at Severus, confusion written all over his tiny face.

"For the love of…Harry, put your hand inside the stocking and see what Father Christmas left in there for you," Severus explained, his hands motioning taking things out of the sock.

"Did you remember to cast the expansion charm on Harry's stocking?" Narcissa asked, watching as Draco dove deep into the stocking to get some more sweets.

"Was I born yesterday?" Sirius asked in reply, watching with glee as Harry pulled out toddler-sized racing broom.

"Black, is it your sole goal in life to completely spoil Lily's child?" Severus asked, eyes wide as the child pulled out a meter long candy cane.

"You're just lucky that's the biggest they sold," Remus murmured.

Sirius jumped up and took a wolf-patterned stocking from over the fireplace. "Moony, don't forget your stocking."

"And Severus," Lucius walked over to his friend with a cauldron-shaped stocking, "here's yours."

"Please don't tell me there's an expansion charm on this one," Severus moaned, rubbing his head.

"Of course, there is! How else is one supposed to stuff a stocking?" Narcissa asked, smiling widely as Draco showed her a life-sized stuffed baby dragon.

"Oh, look," Remus said, holding up a candy cane.

"It was a two-for-one sale," Sirius said, shrugging.

"I'm going to start hiding those catalogues."

After they finished their stockings, they moved on to presents. Lucius doled the gifts out, and only sat down when the mountain of gifts had been dispersed equally amongst the residents of the house.

"Oh, look, sweater number ten," Remus said, holding up a cashmere-knit sweater.

"You always look so cold, Remus dear," Narcissa said, helping Draco get a ribbon off one of his gifts.

"Why do I need this journal?" Severus asked, holding up a "I Drink Because" diary.

"Well, you do drink an awful lot," Lucius said, smirking.

"However, if you are going to spend that much money on alcohol, you deserve to make some money off of those idiotic kids," Sirius added, laughing as Harry took to wearing a bow from one of his half-unwrapped gifts.

"Do not remind me of idiotic children. I am on holiday," Severus groaned, sipping some firewhiskey.

"But you have such great stories."

"How would you know?" Lucius asked, quirking a brow.

"He came by on Halloween to make sure Harry was okay, and he shared a couple with us," Remus said, checking out the newest edition of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_.

Narcissa held up a set of mother-of-pearl combs. "These are lovely, Severus!"

"I thought they would go nicely with that gown Lucius got you," the potion master said, smiling.

"How do you know what goes with what?" Sirius asked, mouth dropping.

"Because I'm not a blind fool?" Severus shook his head. "I grew up with my only friends being two girls. You learn a lot being forced to play house and go shopping."

"You and Petunia were friends?"

"I was being generous."

"Yeah," Lucius said, sniffing some cologne he'd just unwrapped. "Otherwise, he'd be down to one friend."

"Shut up," Severus grumbled under his breath.

"But look! Now you have four friends."

"That's still being generous with the term 'friend'."

Harry crawled over to show Severus his newest potions-making kit. "Uncle Sev, look!"

"I see, Harry. Are you going to be a potions master when you grow up?"

The boy nodded and toddled back over to where Remus sat on the floor.

"You heard it here, folks," Sirius said, pretending to use a candy cane as a microphone. "The savior of the wizarding world has decided to become a potions nerd."

"Black, do not tease a potions master unless you want to become wary of the food you are served," Severus said, eyes narrowing.

"Did I make fun of you?" the animagus asked, brow quirked. "All I said was he was becoming a nerd. I never said that was a bad thing."

"His father was the nerdiest of them all," Narcissa said, bouncing her son in her knee.

"What are you talking about?" Lucius asked. "Wasn't Potter Quidditch captain?"

"Yes, but once he became captain, Quidditch was all he obsessed about for nine months." She paused as she cocked her head. "That and how to get Evans to go out with him."

Remus's mouth dropped. "How on Earth did you know so much about James?"

"Uncle Orion wanted me to keep an eye on Siri while I was at school. Considering that he was _always_ with James, I learned quite a bit about the star chaser."

"What do you know about me?" Sirius asked, sweat forming at his temples.

"Well, I know what brand of underwear you like," Narcissa smirked, "and how that mariachi band got into the Slytherin dorm fifth year."

The lycanthrope turned to Lucius. "Why didn't Voldemort choose her to be the spy?"

"It was discussed, but she refused to take the mark," Lucius said, shrugging.

"You mean, mar this perfectly porcelain skin?" She pulled up her sleeve to show her bare forearm.

"Let's just hope Draco doesn't inherit her vanity," Severus mumbled, looking over his newest potions book.

"Sev, did you open your present from me?" Sirius asked, holding out a rectangular package.

"Black, what did you get me?"

"You have to open it up to see."

"Is it going to curse me?"

"No."

"Is something going to jump out and bite, scratch, or kick me?"

"No,"

"I made him swear an oath it wouldn't maim you," Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Just open the bloody package," Sirius said, crossing his arms and smirking.

Severus unwrapped the gift, revealing a framed certificate. "You made me an honorary marauder?"

"And he got it notarized," Remus said, pointing to the signature at the bottom. "You still have to sign the contract, though."

"Will I get to know all of the marauder secrets?"

"Yes, that's part of the reason I recommended he do it. It's hard to live in the same house when we have to keep deflecting."

Sirius handed Lucius and Narcissa similarly shaped packages. "We're a team now. We're family."

"And over lunch, I figured we'd tell a couple of those forbidden secrets, so that Sirius will stop babbling on about how to sneak into Hogwarts to retrieve the marauder's map," Remus said, rubbing his eyes.

"I thought you said nap," Narcissa said, quirking a brow.

"No, that's something different," Sirius said, waving her off. "That's what we did every Sunday afternoon."

"So, speaking of lunch, why don't we go to the dining room and have our Christmas feast?" Lucius suggested, moving the second Christmas tree out of the way to allow them all to enter the dining room unimpeded.

"And since you all signed the contract, we can officially tell you about how we turned the Great Hall into a jello pit."

"That was you?" Narcissa gasped.

Severus rolled his eyes. "Who else could it have been?" His eyes narrowed. "I thought you kept an eye on them."

"I wasn't allowed in the Gryffindor dormitory. What happened between the hours of nine at night until eight in the morning, I have no clue."

"We're also the reason the forbidden forest became forbidden," Remus said, shaking his head. "Do not try and have a tea party with acromantulas."

"I never thought someone would have to explain that to you, Lupin," Lucius said, brow furrowed.

"Eleven-year-old me was a lot more ambitious."

"And don't forget about the time we sent Wormtail into the Slytherin girls' bathroom," Sirius said, grabbing a dinner roll and passing the bowl. "That video made it into the top-ten."

"The top-ten what?" Severus asked.

"Oh, every year on New Year's Eve, we'd play our greatest hits. Moony would bring over his film reel and we watched our best pranks and laughed while sharing pirated firewhiskey."

"Who'd you pirate it from?" Narcissa asked.

"James's parents."

"Then it's stolen, not pirated."

Remus served himself some mashed potatoes. "Don't forget the time you went out and rolled in the mud and came back with fleas."

"Oh, yes, we finally get to hear about the fleas," Lucius said, perking up.

"About three weeks after he became an animagus, he went out and rolled in the mud close to a rat's nest. The rats were infested with fleas, and he caught some." Remus sighed. "None the wiser, he came back to the dorm and jumped on all the beds. The next week was the full moon, and you can imagine Moony's surprise."

"Madame Pomphrey made us all take flea baths," Sirius said, glaring at the memory.

"And for Christmas that year, we got him a flea collar."

"I still have that."

Severus's eyes brightened. "So, I can actually call you a flea-bitten mutt?"

"If we're talking solely based on factual evidence and events," Remus smirked, "yes."

"What is this Marauders Map?" Lucius asked, brow quirking.

"Ah, a fourth year project that turned out to be our best invention to date," Sirius said, digging in to his green beans.

"That explains nothing."

"It's a map of Hogwarts," Remus started, then paused. "A living map of Hogwarts."

"How does one make a living map?" Narcissa asked, helping Draco aim his spoon towards his mouth.

"One spends a lot of time in the library."

"And gets Pettigrew to bring snacks," Sirius added. "Man, he was a traitor, but he made a mean macaroni and cheese sandwich."

"What does a living map of Hogwarts entail?" Severus asked.

"It gives the whereabouts of everyone person in the castle at any given time."

"Including secret passages only known to the Marauders," Remus said.

"And any renovations," Sirius added. "It also includes a hilarious security measure."

"So, with this map, I could catch students misbehaving at any point in time?" Severus asked.

"Hey now! That was not the intended purpose of the map!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You can uncover any amount of scandal with the map."

"How did you not notice me following you?" Narcissa asked.

"James and Sirius monopolized the map and they're both oblivious idiots."

"Hey!" Sirius whined.

"Sorry, lovable oblivious idiots."

"What scandals did you uncover?" Lucius asked, sharing a nervous glance with Narcissa.

"Well, for one thing, my brother and Severus were a lot closer than anyone ever expected," Sirius said, smirking. "They spent most of their time in broom closets."

"That's not what it looks like," Severus said, eyes widening. "We had a common enemy and met often to create plans of attack and defense. I am attracted to women, if there was any question."

"I can't believe my own brother would conspire against me."

"I guess that means I had three friends."

"We also learned that Draco could have had an older brother," Remus said, smirking. "Narcissa spent an awful amount of time in Lucius's head boy's room alone with him."

"According to my parents it was either him or Sirius," Narcissa said, huffing.

"And we're all glad you chose him," Sirius replied, wiping some grease from his mouth.

"Where did you say this map was, Black?" Severus asked.

"If I tell you, you must promise not to use it against pranksters."

"I need it to defend myself. I have this one student who is one sneak attack away from giving me a heart attack."

"Really?" Lucius asked, grinning. "Do tell."

"She's an insufferable first year. Somehow, she was born a metamorphmagus and it causes her to be terribly clumsy. She's broken three cauldrons already, and it's only her first semester!"

"Wow!" Remus whistled. "Pettigrew's record was two in a semester."

"She also likes to use her talent as a shapeshifter to impersonate me. She almost had two of my Slytherins convinced they had detention with Filch for starting the Holocaust."

"She's ambitious," Sirius said, smirking.

"She befriended Charlie Weasley, the second in a long line of Weasley children. She lent him the Shakesperean play _Romeo and Juliet_ and I overheard them planning to steal some of my draught of the living death to reenact the death scene in front of the entire school." Severus crossed his arms. "They're holding auditions and now I have to lock up my draught of the living death."

"Why wasn't it locked up before?" Remus asked, brow furrowed.

"If some idiot sneaks into my stores and decides to take a sip, who am I to try and stop him? It's natural selection at its best."

"I don't think that's what Darwin had in mind when he proposed his theory."

"This young lady sounds like quite a handful," Narcissa said gently.

"Oh, she is. And this is her first semester! I have six-and-a-half more years of her," Severus said with a sigh.

"What's this girl's name? Maybe I could go talk to her parents," Lucius suggested.

"I need to go into my files and look up her parents' names. I should have contacted them after the pixie debacle, but Pomona refused to let me handle it. Something about her not meaning to release a gaggle of cornish pixies in the Great Hall to sprinkle powdered asphodel around like dust."

"How did the pixies get a hold of powdered asphodel?"

"That's why I wanted to handle it. I especially felt it necessary when she called out that the only way that Tinkerbell could live was if we all believed in her."

"Tinkerbell?" Narcissa asked, mouth turned down.

"Peter Pan," Remus said, crossing his arms. "Sounds like the girl's a muggleborn."

"I'm thinking more along the lines of half-blood," Severus replied. "She has enough knowledge of the wizarding world to suggest at least some magical parentage."

"What's her name, Sev?" Narcissa asked, blowing to cool down her food.

"Nymphadora Tonks."

Narcissa gasped, causing her to choke on her food. Remus patted her back to help the food dislodge.

"Dora?" Sirius gasped, eyes widening. "She's a firstie?"

"You know this hooligan?" Severus asked, glaring.

"She's Andromeda's girl," Lucius said, smirking.

"Of course," the potions master sighed. "She's related to Black. I should have known."

"The Holocaust line really was a nice touch. Go big or go home," Remus said, smirking as rubbed Narcissa back. She'd finally gotten the food back to the right pipe, but she still struggled for air.

"Sounds like Andy's got her hands full," she said, gasping one more time before taking a sip of water.

"I haven't even told you about her Dumbledore impersonation, or the fact that she convinced seven first and second years to take an aging potion and then morphed herself into the Disney version of Snow White, leading her band of seven dwarves singing, 'Heigh ho, Heigh ho, it's off to work I go.'"

"Well, where did they go?" Lucius asked.

"Don't ask."

"Sounds like she's into Walt Disney," Remus said.

Sirius turned to Narcissa. "When's the last time you talked to Andy?"

"Before she ran off with that mudblood," Narcissa replied. "Rumor has it she was already pregnant."

"Don't you think we could use a more polite term around the dinner table?" Remus asked, taking a seat. "Besides, you're head of a muggle HOA committee. I would think you should no longer be so anti-muggle."

"I am over the muggles. I didn't marry one."

"I think I actually heard the dark lord say that once," Severus said, staring at the ceiling to avoid looking directly at the glaring woman.

"Maybe it's time to let bygones be bygones," Remus said, patting Narcissa on the shoulder.

"How would Lucius explain to the dark lord his wife reconnecting with her blood traitor sister?" Severus asked.

"We don't even know Voldemort is going to come back," Remus said, crossing his arms.

"There's rumors of strange goings-on in Romania. Albus is certain that Riddle prepared himself in case of death."

"But that doesn't mean we should live our lives out of fear of his return. What if he doesn't regenerate until next century? Dora would miss out on getting to know her aunt and Narcissa would miss out on making amends with her sister."

"It doesn't matter. We have to prepare for the worst."

"You are such a pessimist."

"Why don't the two of you get a room already?" Sirius asked, smirking at the two of them. "It's completely up to Narcissa to decide. Lucius can spin it any way he wants, if he's a good spy. Besides, not every wife does exactly what her husband tells her to."

"Well-behaved women rarely make history," Narcissa said, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"Which is why I now have to make brownies for an HOA meeting tonight," Remus grumbled under his breath.

Sirius turned to Narcissa. "So, in this narrative of you living in this house, who is your husband?"

"Severus, obviously," she replied, taking his hand and kissing it. The potions master blushed.

"Oh," Lucius said, scowling. "In a game when I'm accused of adultery, I have to sleep on the couch. In real life when she makes a play at my best friend, I'm just supposed to sit here and take it."

"Welcome to real life, Lucius," Narcissa said, smiling. "We women rule the world."

"At least, the household," Sirius said.

"And the HOA," Remus added.

A few hours later, the crew arrived at the recreation center. Severus turned to Narcissa.

"So, do we walk in holding hands, or…?" he asked her. She rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand. Lucius trailed behind them carrying both Draco and Harry, while Remus carried a platter piled high with brownies and cookies.

"Went a little overboard, didn't you Lupin?" Lucius asked under his breath.

"Sirius bought two hundred pounds of chocolate chips. I had to use them somehow," Remus replied quietly. Beside them, Sirius barked, jumping up to try and snag a brownie. "No! Bad dog. You can't have chocolate. You'll get sick."

"Well, I'll be, if it isn't the little band of gypsys," Petunia said, glaring at the gang as they entered.

Narcissa smiled back, moving her arm to wrap around Severus's lean frame. "Petunia, darling, so nice to see you again."

Vernon walked over to speak to his wife, when he caught Narcissa leaning her head against the potion master's shoulder. "Hello Severus, Narcissa." He scowled. "That's quite a promotion. Do you and Lucius just share now, or…?"

"Moving on," Remus said, pushing past the crowd to put his tower of sweets onto the refreshments table. "Vernon, my good man, please tell me you spiked that punch you promised to bring."

"Wouldn't be Christmas without eggnog," Vernon replied.

"How much did you make?"

"I figured four quarts was enough."

"We shall see," Remus said nervously. "I brought firewhiskey just in case it isn't."

"I do love that stuff you introduced me to." Vernon took a swig from the flask the lycanthrope handed to him. "Enjoying having your brother back home?"

"It's nice. Thank you for letting Harry stay with us. You know how much he adores Sev," Remus said.

"Never quite understood how he latched on to the lad. Boy's a menace."

Sirius barked madly and growled. Remus grabbed his collar.

"Sev has a way with kids. Just look at how he handles Draco."

The crew turned to watch Severus lift the blond boy off the ground and twirl him around.

"How exactly does that dynamic work?" Vernon asked, brow furrowing.

"That depends. Can you keep a secret?"

"Alright everyone," Narcissa called out, holding the microphone to her mouth. "Please, take a seat. We're about to get started." Everyone grumbled and took a seat. "Now, we have called this meeting because someone…who shall remain nameless…has started a petition to ban dogs and miraculously received enough signatures for a motion to be held."

Petunia stood. "Dogs have become a menace to society. Just the other day, one tore up my flower beds."

"Now, please take a seat. Everyone will have an opportunity to be heard."

"You're just sore because the Snape dog mucked up your house," someone yelled from the crowd.

Severus leaned over and whispered into Lucius's ear, "He's mine now?"

"Well, if you and Lupin are brothers, technically he's Remus Snape," Lucius replied.

The potion master's eyes widened in horror. "You did not…"

"How else were we supposed to explain two bachelors living together? Would you prefer lovers?"

"As I said earlier today, I am attracted to women."

"And now you have a wife," Lucius said, motioning to Narcissa.

"Yes, and Vernon's about ready to have a seizure trying to figure out how that all works," Severus said, rubbing his eyes.

"Well, we still had to explain Lupin. It was either brother or the relationship with your wife was going to be very strange."

"It's not exactly normal now." Severus glared. "Why couldn't she be his wife?"

"Why would they be living with you?"

"She could then be my sister."

"So, your sister and brother married each other?"

They stopped as they caught Narcissa, who was glaring at them. They smiled sheepishly and she motioned for the next person to stand and plead their case.

Finally, it came to a vote. Forty-to-ten voted for the allowance of dogs in the neighborhood. Arabella Figg, one of the few who voted against the dog allowance, marched over to Severus and Lucius.

"What do the two of you have to say for yourselves?" she asked, arms crossed.

"What are we being accused of?" Lucius asked, brow quirked.

"You…you…dog lovers!"

The blond shared a glance with his friend. "I was unaware that was a crime now."

"And I'm not so sure that I love dogs, especially the one in my house," Severus added. "I think of him as more of a nuisance." The man shrugged. "However, it's my brother's dog and I…love…my brother…" He gritted his teeth.

"Well, at least your wife moved in with you," Arabella said, crossing her arms. "People had begun to talk."

Lucius smirked. "So we've heard."

"And who exactly are you?"

"I'm…Narcissa's brother."

"And where's your wife?"

Vernon came over and patted him on the shoulder. "I know, it's a strange set-up, but quite a few people have started wife swapping. It's all the rage in France. Lucy here shares her with Sev."

"You share two wives?" Arabella asked, scandalized.

"No, just Cissy here."

"His sister?"

"Okay, everyone. Time to go," Remus said, rushing Severus and Lucius out the door.

"You told him we swap wives?" Severus said through gritted teeth.

"It was either that or tell him Cissy wasn't actually living there."

"You couldn't have told us that before we made up the sister story?" Lucius asked, crossing his arms.

"Wait? Why would you say she's your sister?" Remus asked brow furrowed.

"Well, we couldn't go for a third brother. Three completely unrelated looking children is a lot more suspicious than two."

They had now reached home, and Sirius transformed back. "And now we've completely scandalized Arabella Figg."

The next day, Arabella Figg marched herself over to number 5 Privet Drive and slammed her fist into the door.

"How may I help you, Tune…" Remus paused and paled. "You're not Tuney."

"Remus Lupin, what were you doing at the HOA meeting last night?" Arabella asked, arms crossed.

"Mrs. Figg," Remus said, beads of sweat forming at his temples. "What are you doing here?"

She glared as Padfoot came to the door. "I believe I asked you first."

"I'm here living with my brother."

"I didn't know you had a brother."

"My parents were ashamed of him. He was a squib."

Figg glared. "That makes no sense. Your mother was a muggle."

"Yes, she was," Remus looked up to the sky, "however, he looked nothing like my father and a lot like my uncle."

"She slept with his brother?"

"No, with hers." He watched her eyes widen in horror. "Step-brother. I meant to say that, didn't I?"

"I swear, Remus, your family…"

"It's a generational thing."


	9. Chapter 9

Sirius threw the eye of newt in the air and caught it with ease. "Sirius Black makes the catch. He shoots." The animagus threw the potions ingredient into an empty cauldron nearby. "He scores!"

Lucius shook his head. "If I did that while Sev was brewing, he'd have my head."

They all turned and looked at the potion master, who was currently standing over the cauldron, gritting his teeth. After a moment, he smiled eerily.

"It's okay. It's fine that he's been practicing Quidditch with my ingredients." Severus turned and walked over to a simmering cauldron. He stirred several times, remaining silent.

Remus looked over at Sirius and shook his head. "Either you're a dead man, or Sev has finally gone around the bend."

Lucius sighed, picking up Draco. "I'll give the eulogy."

"How is Narcissa doing?" Sirius asked, trying to stave off talk of his impending doom.

"She and Selene are doing well."

"Are you glad you had a daughter, or were you hoping for a son?" Remus asked, leaning against the table.

"I have one of each now. I'm content," Lucius said, letting Draco sit on the countertop. "Why isn't Harry here? We should begin discussing plans for the joint birthday party."

"Why are we joining them?" Severus asked.

"Not with Draco! That would be madness! I discussed it with Augusta Longbottom, and Neville needs some friends…"

"Lucius, you didn't."

"I swore her to secrecy. She won't tell Dumbles." Lucius shrugged. "Besides, it was Black's idea."

"Way to throw me under the Knight Bus, Cous," Sirius said, grabbing some more eye of newt to toss.

"Sirius, potions ingredients are not toys," Remus said, trying to take the eye from his friend.

"I had a strange flashback to when I was apprenticing with Slughorn," Lucius said. "You and James Potter were the reason I decided not to teach potions."

"Here, Black. I have something for you," Severus said, forcing a vial into Sirius's hand. "Take this."

"What will it do?" Sirius asked, looking at it suspiciously.

"If my calculations are correct, it will temporarily age you."

"Why would you want to make that?"

"I was bored," Severus said, looking off wistfully. "I thought back to my days as a teenager wanting to get firewhiskey."

"Aren't there already temporary aging potions?" Remus asked.

"Yes, but those tend to not be able to stop, and end up leading to death within twenty-four hours," Severus explained, eyes glinting madly. "This one only ages you forward twenty years."

Sirius shrugged. "Sounds like fun." He gulped down the potion and set the vial down.

The doorbell rang. Severus stared down at his notes. "Lupin, would you mind getting the door?"

"Why me?" Remus asked, crossing his arms.

"Because Lucius doesn't live here and I'm busy."

The lycanthrope sighed and rolled his eyes. He ascended the stairs to answer the door.

"Seriously, Tuney, enough is enou…" Remus stopped as he realized who was at the door. "Professor Dumbledore! You're not Tuney, either."

"Remus, my boy! And there's no need to call me Professor Dumbledore any longer. Call me Albus," the elder wizard said genially. "May I come in?"

Remus stood in shock. Albus slid through the opening and helped the lycanthrope shut the door.

"What are you doing here, sir?" Remus asked as he shook his head.

"Well, Arabella Figg came to me last month and told me about her new neighbors, Remus Lupin and his brother, Severus." Albus's eyes sparkled. "Of course, I had to come over and investigate."

"Yes, well…"

"Moony!" Came a cry from the other side of the kitchen. "Help! He's trying to force more potions down my throat!"

Before anyone could say anything more, a four-year-old Sirius Black ran through the door and jumped into his friend's arms.

"Oh, and who is this?" Albus asked, coming to take a closer look at the boy.

"Umm," Remus said, looking down at his best friend, now the size of their nephew.

"Come back here you little scamp and take the antidote," Severus yelled, running after him. "Oh, Albus!"

"Severus? What are you doing here?" the headmaster asked.

"Uhm," Remus said, looking back at his friend. "Severus…is helping…I was hoping…He came to me about…"

"We're experimenting with Wolfsbane," Severus said.

"Yes, so he came to my house to give me this month's dose," Remus said, nodding. 'What happened?' he mouthed as Dumbledore looked closer at the small boy.

"And who is this?" Albus asked, motioning to the boy in Remus's arms. "And why does he need an antidote?"

The two men stared wide-eyed at each other.

"He's…" Severus started, mouth bobbing.

"He's Severus's son," Remus said quickly.

"Severus, my boy," Albus's eyes sparkled, "I had no idea you had a son."

"I didn't either," Severus said, through gritted teeth. "Until recently, that is. His mother died a month ago, and wrote me down in her will, claiming I was the father."

"He asked Lucius Malfoy and I to verify the results of the paternity tests that are brewing downstairs," Remus said.

"So, Draco and my now-confirmed son were playing in the garden and he ate some poison ivy." The potions master held up the vial in his hands. "Which is why he needs the antidote. It's not deadly, but also not highly recommended for four-year-olds."

Sirius cuddled up into Remus. "You're warm."

"What's his name?" Albus asked, looking delightedly at the young lad.

Again, both men stared at each other.

"Regulus," Severus said after a moment.

"The woman named him Regulus?"

"She was a lower-level death eater, originally from France, who befriended Regulus and me. One thing led to another and…" Severus motioned to the boy. "She never told me about him, so it came as quite a shock when the will named me as his father and guardian."

"Well, this is great! He'll be coming to Hogwarts when he's of age?"

"NO!" Remus and Severus yelled together.

Albus furrowed his brow. "You mean, he's not magical?"

"What we mean to say is, since he wasn't born in England, his name is probably not on the list for Hogwarts," Remus said slowly.

Albus pat Sirius's head gently. "Don't worry, lad! I will make sure your name gets on the list." He turned to Severus. "What's his full name and date of birth?"

"Uhm…" Severus said, gulping.

"Regulus Orion Snape," Remus said quickly, "and November 3rd, 1979."

"You know a lot about Severus's son," Albus said, brow furrowed.

"His birth certificate is downstairs. I've been examining it to see if it was forged." The lycanthrope looked back at his friend. "It's the real deal."

"Perfect! And I'm sure we'll be seeing him this coming school year?"

"Why on earth would he be coming to Hogwarts this year?" Severus asked, frowning.

"Well, you can't leave your four-year-old son alone, and no government agency would allow Remus to care for a child long-term," Albus said, patting the werewolf's shoulder.

"Why can't he stay with Lucius and Narcissa?" Severus asked, eyes widening in horror.

"Now that you're on the side of light, you probably don't want to be seen conspiring with Death Eaters," Albus said, pointing to his head. "It would also not look too good for my new spy to be on speaking terms with my old spy."

"Very reasonable point, sir," Severus said, gritting his teeth.

"I will enlarge your rooms so that he can have a bedroom of his own."

"How kind of you, sir."

"I shall be off!" Albus turned, about to leave when he paused. "By the way, I was wondering, what led you to choose to move here, Remus?"

"The landlord is very reasonable and the rent is cheap," Remus said shrugging. "And he is very understanding about my lycanthropy."

"No other reasons?"

"Should there be one?"

"None that I can think of." Albus paused once more. "Are you still searching for Harry Potter, Remus?"

"Every day," Remus replied, moving toward the bookshelf. "Would you like to see my map of England? I've been trying to narrow it down. I think he might be with a clan of light-siding Blacks in Scotland."

"Then, why did you assume I was Petunia? Did you know she lives nearby?"

"Petunia Dursley? Yes, and I've asked her loads of times if she knows where Harry is, but she always says, and I quote, 'Why in the world would I house the freak? I wasn't even close to Lily.' Then, she slams the door in my face."

"Not on good terms with her, I'm guessing?" Albus asked, smirking.

"She's not a big fan of my dog," Remus explained, looking down at the boy in his arms. "Though, he's very sick. I don't know if he's going to make it."

"I'm sorry, Remus. Hopefully he'll pull through."

"Thank you, Albus."

Albus walked out the door. "See you soon, Severus." With that, he shut the door.

Remus and Severus took a deep breath. Meanwhile, Sirius giggled maniacally.

"Man, Moony! That was the best practical joke I've ever pulled on Dumbledore!"

"What did you do?" Remus asked. "I thought it was supposed to age him."

"So did I!" Severus said, throwing his hands in the air. "Apparently, I was wrong. Now set him down so I can give him the antidote. I do not want Regulus Orion Snape to live past this evening!"

"Regulus Orion Snape?" Lucius asked, walking through the kitchen doorway. "Who's that?"

"No one. Now take this, Black," Severus said, thrusting the vial into Sirius's hand.

Sirius gulped down the potion and they waited. And waited. And waited.

"How long did it take for the potion to take effect?" Remus asked.

"About two minutes," Lucius said, setting Draco down so that he could examine Sirius more fully. "The antidote should have worked by now."

"Are you saying that's not the antidote?"

"I was experimenting. I figured this should counteract the potion, but it's not an exact science," Severus said, huffing in frustration.

Lucius waved his wand in the air. A glowing four hovered over the boy. "This is not good."

"What was that spell?" Remus asked, brow furrowing.

"It shows the magical age of whoever you cast it on." The blond pointed at the number four above Sirius. "It's saying that his magical age is four."

"What does that mean?"

"It means," Severus sighed, "that the potion was not a temporary potion."

"What does that mean?"

"It means," Severus rubbed his eyes, "I apparently have a son."

"Why on Earth would Black be your son?" Lucius asked, brow furrowed.

"Yes, Remus, why on Earth would Black be _my_ son?"

The lycanthrope shrugged. "I panicked!" He scowled. "You weren't coming up with an explanation any quicker than I was."

"Why couldn't he be your son?"

"Lycanthropy!" Remus threw his hands in the air. "They'd take him away from me. Werewolves are not allowed to be the sole guardian of children."

Lucius sighed. "That still doesn't explain why you said Sirius is Severus's son."

"The person at the door was Albus Dumbledore," Severus said, flopping onto the couch. He put his head in his hands. "Black and I came running through the door while Remus here was trying to explain why he moved one hundred yards away from Harry Potter."

"I was able to spin it so that he believes Petunia is hiding Harry from me," Remus said.

"She'll go with it," the potions master said, nodding. "She knows the consequences of telling the truth. I made them abundantly clear at the beginning."

"So, do you think he'll move Harry now?" Lucius asked.

"We have more important things to worry about than if Dumbles decides to move Harry!" Sirius exclaimed. He scrunched his nose. "I sound like a four-year-old."

"Because you are a four-year-old," Remus said sighing.

"Then how can I think like a twenty-four-year-old?"

"It deaged your body, not your mind," Severus explained, jumping up to grab some firewhiskey. "Physically, you are four. Mentally, you are twenty-four."

"This is a mess," Remus moaned.

"So, let me get this straight," Lucius said, accepting a glass from Severus. "Dumbledore now believes you have a four-year-old son?"

"Yes."

"I do believe congratulations are in order, Sev."

The potions master moaned. Sirius crossed his arms over his chest.

"Hell, no! He is not going to be my father!" The deaged animagus stomped his foot.

"If we want to keep this charade going, he will be," Remus said, scowling. "If Dumbledore finds out who you really are, it's off to Azkaban, whether you're fully of age or not."

"Plus, we risk losing Harry," Severus said, rubbing his eyes.

"How so?"

"If we lied about one thing, we're less trustworthy. We easily could have lied about others."

Lucius sighed. "Cissy is not going to be happy."

"I think she'll find it hilarious," Severus said, sipping his whiskey.

"How do we plan on explaining this to the actual four-year-olds?" Remus asked. "I mean, they're bright, but I hardly think they're at an age where they understand keeping this a secret."

"We tell them Padfoot had to go away."

"But they know about Sirius."

"And I'm Harry's godfather," Sirius said with a huff. "You can't deprive him of his godfather."

"I'm not depriving him of anything!" Severus said. "You are not legally old enough to be his godfather."

"What if he needs advice?"

"You can give him advice no matter what age you are. Besides, you can be another Potter's best friend."

Lucius straightened. "I believe Draco's already taken that role."

Remus threw his hand in the air. "Have we all become four-year-olds? Are we really fighting over who is Harry's best friend?"

"At least this won't be too hard for Black," Severus said, smirking. "He's acted like a four-year-old for ages."

Sirius turned to his friend. "Please, don't make him my father."

"It's out of our hands, Padfoot." Remus sighed. "It was either him or Lucius, and we really can't have that scandal."

"Couldn't I be Draco's twin?"

"Why would they have kept you a secret?"

"I don't know. Lucy and Cissa have always been weird."

"It's a moot point," Lucius said. "We can't go back and change it. We're in too deep."

"And why can't I be killed off?" Sirius asked, pouting.

"First of all, we would still have to try and explain the appearance of a random four-year-old," Remus said, rubbing his eyes.

"We could find an antidote eventually."

"Besides that, the magical registry automatically updates when new wizards and witches appear in England," Lucius said, laying his head back on the couch.

"But won't Sirius Black appear?"

"When you were deaged, I believe it was like you were newly born. Therefore, you had no name or identity until Lupin gave you one."

Sirius glared at the werewolf. "Thanks a lot, Moons."

"Think of it this way," Remus said, rubbing his eyes. "You had a rotten childhood. Walburga abused you, and James and I used to say that was probably why you never matured emotionally like we did. Maybe this is a way for you to heal, to have a good childhood that will bring some closure…"

"You think it will be any different with Snape as my father?"

"Excuse me," Severus huffed, "but I would never harm a child. I was abused too, and I promised myself I would never be like him."

"See?" Lucius said.

"He still hates me," Sirius whined.

Severus nodded. "I'll agree with him on that point."

"You two even agree on something!" Remus said, clapping. "And this way, you could raise Sirius to actually be well-behaved."

The potion master's eyes widened. "I can control him."

"That's not what I said."

"But if he's my child, I'm in charge of making the rules."

"Theoretically, yes."

"He has to listen to me."

"Again, theoretically, yes," Remus said, grabbing some whiskey from the wet bar.

"Moony…" Sirius whimpered.

"Well, if that's settled, we need to discuss some things," Lucius said, pulling out his wand.

"What things?"

"The things you normally discuss when a child is born." The blond whipped out some parchment and started writing. "We need to quickly get a hold of a birth certificate. I don't doubt Dumbledore will want to see it sooner rather than later."

"We already told him we have one," Remus said.

"Even more reason we need to make one up, and fast." Malfoy continued writing. "Who will be godmother?"

"Moony, please be my godmother," Sirius said, pouting. "I need a parent who loves me."

"Sirius, I am not a woman," Remus pointed out.

"But you can't be my godfather…"

"I might be able to pull a few strings in that regard," Lucius said, smirking. "Especially if what Lupin said about the werewolf registry is true."

"So," Remus quirked a brow, "I could be godfather?"

"You never registered?"

"I already told you so."

"Then, I will make sure you never get on their radar." Lucius jotted down a few notes. "Now, godmother?"

"Narcissa, obviously," Severus said.

"No! Not my cousin!" Sirius huffed.

"We are short on women. Unless you want Petunia, you will accept Narcissa graciously."

"And the child normally does not get any say in this," Remus said, crossing his leg. "You're lucky you do."

"Dumbledore won't take too kindly to Narcissa's name on the certificate," Lucius said, shaking his head.

"And he won't understand my name on the certificate."

"Well, I'm very short on friends." Severus crossed his arms. "I'm sure he'd be understanding of my experiment being the godfather, given the circumstances."

"And, like you said, we're short on women. Unless you want to pull Minerva into the mix," Remus said, sipping some whiskey.

"Oooh! I would love Minnie as a godmother!" Sirius said, smiling.

"My child will not have two Gryffindors as godparents," Severus said, shaking his head. "One is hard enough to explain."

"With that decided, who shall we put down as the mother?" Lucius asked, still taking notes.

"Any old French name should do," Remus said.

"As long as they're known purebloods," Severus added. "No French half-bloods and definitely no muggleborns."

"Whyever not?" Lucius asked. "I thought you were okay with them. You were in love with Evans."

"The only way we could explain her naming him Regulus was that she was a death eater. Very hard to explain why a French half-blood would join the dark lord and impossible to explain a muggleborn."

"You're a half-blood," Sirius said, scowling.

"Yes, but I live in the area. It was convenient to join." Severus glared. "She would have had to travel hundreds of miles to join a group bent on her own destruction."

"Fair point."

"I do believe I knew a woman from France who began rising in the ranks right before the dark lord's defeat," Lucius said.

"Is she dead?" Remus asked.

"She easily can be."

"Hold off! We are not killing off a woman just to keep our secret."

"I meant legally," Lucius replied, though his face fell slightly. "We can forge a death certificate. She can't very well fight it without having to admit to being a death eater, which is an automatic life sentence in Azkaban." He cocked his head. "And knowing her propensity for alcohol and recreational potions, she may very well be dead anyway."

"So, a drug addict for my mom and a dead beat death eater for my dad," Sirius said, pouting. "It doesn't sound any different from my last childhood."

"Dead-beat? Dead-beat?" Severus glared. "I am a very successful potions master, thank you very much!"

"And Lord of the Prince family," Lucius added, smirking.

"Wait…You're a Prince?" Sirius asked, brow furrowed.

Severus gritted his teeth. "Yes."

"We're related."

"As all pureblood families are."

"We should probably consider some form of blood adoption," Remus said, looking for Lucius's ever-growing list.

"Who would ever ask for proof? Why would anyone want to claim him as their child if he was not?" Severus asked.

"We need to cover all our bases."

"And considering how accident prone I remember Sirius being, he will probably need some sort of blood transfusion at some point," Lucius said, smirking. "Do you really want to explain why his own father would not be a match?"

"What about the Black family fortune?" Severus asked. "Wouldn't a blood adoption mess with the blood match required to access it?"

"Well, technically, with Black and Bella in Azkaban, the fortune falls to Cissy," Lucius said nonchalantly. "She definitely doesn't need it, and could easily want to bless her godson with it."

"Wait," Remus set down his drink, "how was Sirius able to get a hold of his money at Christmas?"

"If you have enough money, the goblins don't care who's in Azkaban and who's not."

"But legally…"

"Goblins don't care about legalities. Sirius's name is on the deed. He had the ability to access the account." Lucius scowled. "However, if he were dead, the account would transfer to the next legal heir."

"So, we kill off that guy in Azkaban pretending to be me, and Sirius Black dies?" Sirius asked. "But I don't want to stop being Sirius."

"You stopped being Sirius Black the moment you took the potion," Lucius said, sighing.

"Well, he'll always be Sirius," Remus conceded. "But for the time being, we need Sirius Black dead. This will just give Regulus Snape the ability to live." He smirked. "Besides, Siri, you get a do-over. A new life, with a hopefully better family." He looked over at the potion master, who sat pouting.

Severus sighed as all eyes turned to him. "Fine. We'll try to work this whole father-son thing out."


End file.
